Holy Underwear!

So, underwear isn't that expensive, right?

SO, why am I constantly wearing my old underwear?

Today, my friend at work (yes, my only friend but, she is really cool) reaches down and pulls out of the side of her pants, her white undies all ripped and tattered, I start cracking up.

So, what I do? I show her my purple underwear which are so badly ripped on both sides that I wonder if at one point they will just rip off while I'm walking. I think it every time I wear them, but that little elastic piece on the sides has lasted so long. It's amazing. I wonder if they have a "Guiness Book of World Records for That?" The longest a pair of underwear has held out! I think I might win.

So, the situation is this, why oh why do I continue to throw those holey, ratty underwear in the dirty laundry pile over and over again?

Is it so hard to just throw them in the trash and move on??? Yes, it really is.

For some reason I feel nervous that maybe I won't do laundry for a while (I should say Steven won't do laundry because I never do it) and I'll go for undies and there won't be any except my trusty old ripped and tattered purple ones.

I know it's ridiculous and what's the big deal going commando for a day but, I just don't do it.

I also have these flowery ones with a big hole in the front and everything hangs out of it anyway so, I should have just gone commando...BUT.... what did I do not just TWO DAYS AGO? I wore them and threw them back in the dirty laundry.

I mean money is tight, the economy is bad and all but, I can get a 6 pair of undies for like 8 bucks at Walmart so what is my deal?

I do the same thing with bras. No matter how many I get, I wear the same one every day! I'm so gross! Steven even said "don't you ever change your bra?" I'm like well "I have one that is comfy and I like it more than the other ones." So, he says "Why don't you buy three of them than?" and you know what, why don't I buy three of them? The answer to the undies and bra dilemma is the same, I have no friggin clue!

Maybe I secretly like being gross with holey underwear (pubes hanging out) and a stinky old bra on. Wonders never cease.

He's ONE!

They say a picture says a thousand words. Think Stevie enjoyed his birthday cupcake?

Hi Aundy!

So, Stevie has started saying Hi and he says it to everyone and everything including his toys. It's really cute. Well, the other night I had "That 70's show" on TV and Stevie was playing and suddenly I hear him all excited saying "Hi, Hi, Hi and he ended by saying Hi Aundy!" which is what he calls his aunty. I'm like "what is he talking to?" I follow his eyes and realize he is looking at Hyde from that 70's show and saying Hi Aundy!

I started dying of laughter.

For those of you that aren't following me, my sister Christina has super curly brown hair just like Hyde from that 70's show and when he saw him on TV he thought it was Christina who he completely adores and so he started saying "Hi Aundy!" as in "Hi Auntie" It was really funny and also pretty cute too!

The First Haircut

Stevie's First Haircut. What can I say? The kid came out with so much hair that literally by like 7 months he was ready for his first hair cut. I had put if off for a few months but, about a month ago, I could hold no longer. The hair was growing over his ears and in his eyes and Dad Dow kept telling me he needed a hair cut to which Steven responded "Who are you to talk? You get a hair cut like once a year!" It's funny because he is bald on the top and has curly hair so when it grows out long, he totally would look like Bozo if he died it red.

Anyway, Marlene, a friend of ours who is a great hairdresser, volunteered to give Stevie his first haircut at the house and we tried to arrange it for like a month until one day I couldn't stand it anymore and was like, just get your butt over here and do it so, it was kind of spur of the moment.

We tried first to put him in a chair but, he is sooo squirmy and I couldn't keep a hold of him good while bending down so we put him on the counter and Marlene cut while she could. She is amazing. Hair was flying everywhere, Steven's legs and arms were flying everywhere. Finally, I gave him a cookie and although, he made a complete mess and ended up eating some of his own hair as it kept falling on the cookie, it did the trick.

So, here is the best part. Stevie was not the ONLY one who ended up consuming his hair.....keep reading....

Marlene gave me some of Stevie's hair to save so I put it in a plastic sandwich bag and put it on top of the sugar jar on the counter for later (you can probably see where this is going) so of course, I forgot about the baggie until Steven called me a couple days later from work.

"You aren't going to believe what just happened to me." I'm like "What?" He says "I was packing my lunch this morning and I was getting some cheese curls. I saw that there was a convenient baggie right there on the counter so I put my cheese curls in it." Now I'm like "oh no!" He says "yes and the worst part is I only had a few cheese curls left when I realized what that weird texture was." I started cracking up.. so I say "So, you ate your son's first haircut?" "Yep" he says. I said "Well, some people eat the placenta when their baby is born, maybe you are creating a new tradition by eating your son's first haircut!"

He's Here! I mean SHE'S Here!

So, Michelle has gone and done it. She had a baby girl yesterday afternoon and ruined my good predicting skills. I have been very proud of my ability to judge whether or not someone was having a girl or boy and she goes and ruins it! Much to her happiness. She and Mike wanted a girl. I know, I know as long as it's healthy but, PLEASE be real, we all have a preference. I admit it. I'd be happy having all boys although I hear girls are more cuddly and Stevie is definitely not cuddly so maybe having a girl wouldn't be so bad. Although, I really despise girly girls except for my neice Makayla and sister-in-law Michelle. I love them too much to really hate their girly girlness. I'm seriously jealous of girls like that though because they can wear cutesy clothes and barrettes and stuff. I tried once to put a dragon fly clip in my hair which I really liked and it looked so dumb plus, I also have a real love for those head bands that have cloth that tie in the back and when I try them on, I look like a maid ready to clean the house or a gardener or something, not cutesy like Makayla or Michelle. Maybe it's jealously that makes me hate girly girls after all. I just can't pull it off.

Anyway, back to my topic. Michelle had a girl and she is so sweet and cute!

Michelle called the house at like 2am yesterday morning and said, I feel like puking and I can't talk or walk and other things I would share about ME but, am protecting Michelle. WHY? because well she's more shy and girly girl like I said before. I'm like "Uh, that sounds like active labor and you should probably go to the hospital." She did thank goodness and was 4cm dialated. That was around the time I was screaming for an epidural so I'm pretty impressed!

So, now we have a new neice and I'm hoping she's a Tom Boy like me. Michelle would just hate it!!! I would love it!!! I would have to be her favorite then too. Well maybe not but, at least I wouldn't be alone in the Dow family. Michelle is girly girly cuty cuty, Cammie is a super-creative picture taking, crafty, scrap-booking amazingly creative crazy lady, Mom Dow is a super shopaholic, crafty bakeroo and I have none of this! I need a tom boy like me in the fam. I can see it now that I say this, Michelle WILL have a Tom boy and my next child will be girly girl. That wouldn't be so bad would it? Would be kind of fun. Never mind, yuck I hate pink frilly clothes. I don't know if I could deal. Maybe Michelle and I would have to swap or something. Isabelle IS really cute and Michelle has the same hair and eye color of Steven and Mike has the same as me AND Steven and Michelle are brother and sister so that might work after all. Food for thought.

Somehow I don't think Michelle will agree with this plan.

The Gimme List Continued..

Michelle, you are too funny with "saggy balls" quote. I love it!
BTW, the girl from mythbusters? Mike you are SO RANDOM!

Just to clarify Nannie your list so far includes:

Richard Gere
Patrick Dempsey AKA McDreamy

Keep sending them. I'm enjoying this!

The Gimme List

Ok, so we all have those movie stars that whatever they are in we will watch because they are just too hot hot hot! Everytime we see them we get a lot more attentive, our hearts beat a little faster, we get a little flushed. We fantasize that they see us on the street and just fall in love with our normalness and natural beauty i.e. too lazy to do my hair/make-up and a bit too...round. They stop us in their limo and whisk us off to their private jet for a romantic rendevous. Ok, I've thought of this too often....

I know when I said all that you were thinking of your favorite movie stars, weren't you???? So, I call it my "Gimme List." 5 movie stars that if they approached me for a romantic love rendevous, I could do it without any consequence. Our spouses know it will never happen so we and they are allowed to have the gimme list. So, below are my five in order of my lust pinnacle (I just made that word up, sweet huh)?

I know some of you are probably shocked that Leonardo DiCaprio isn't at the very top since I've loved him since he was on "Growing Pains" (Michelle, remember going to see Romeo and Juliet???)but, I have a new found star-crush if you can believe it! not that I don't still have a lust pinnacle for Leo.

Write and tell me who would be on your "Gimme List" and if you have your spouses, tell me there's too! It should prove to be an interesting conversation at your home's tonight, should be fun!

Amy's "Gimme List"

(Even looking at my list, I get all happy! Whisk me away Jonathan, Leo, Jason, Taye and/or Orlando!)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Leonardo DiCaprio
Jason Statham
Taye Diggs
Orlando Bloom

Steven's "Gimme List"

Renee Zellweger
Drew Barrymore
Selma Hayek
Jennifer Aniston
Bea Arthur (He wanted me to put that one)

Ok, after I got this list from Steven he then e-mailed me another I thought I would share with you as well.

Steven's REVISED Gimme List

Barbara Bush
Estelle Gettie (when she was alive)
Betty White
Rhue Mclannahan aka Blanch Devero

Do you think I should be concerned that he has an old lady fetish? At least he didn't say Estelle Gettie now, then we would have a real problem!

One Crazy Weekend

This weekend was a wild, crazy chaotic fun time. We had Makayla, Ian and Payden for the weekend and it was such a good but, loud and crazy time. Put it this way, we had four dogs (3 of our own and Milo), 4 kids (1 one of our own and 3 not), 2 cats, Steven and myself in a 1700 square foot home. It was a zoo literally! I could have sold tickets to the weekends events. Let's focus on Saturday afternoon.

The kids arrived around 12pm on Saturday. They were very excited to come because we were going roller-skating. Did you ever think when you were a kid roller-skating would be something that kids didn't even know what it was? So weird! I think back to my days at Happy Wheels. Birthday parties in the side room and going off to skate to the happening music, dark lights and the flashing disco ball in the middle. It was like a middle school dance but, better because there were boys you didn't know your whole life there AND you were rolling skating. I could never roller skate backwards so I always had to hold hands and roller skate with a good skater so they could go backward. Oh, the days at Happy Wheels! Talking with the girls in the bathroom about boys, sweaty hand-holding fun! Anyway, I digress as usual.

So, we drive to Happy Wheels and on the way there, the kids are talking. First, the girls were asking what roller skates looked like. I told them the one's that used to be there were an ugly brown color with orange wheels. The girls both said in unison "Eww!" While Ian said "Cool, I hope I get the ugliest pair!" "Why would you want the ugliest pair Ian?" I replied. Ian says "because if I have an ugly pair no girls will like me and want to marry me. I'm not marrying a girl!" I said prompting him on "Are you going to marry a boy?" he said "Yes, I'm marrying Milo!" So funny.

However, 10 minutes later I hear them chatting in the back and Ian turns to Makayla and says in his goofy voice we know so well "Oooohh pretty...I want to kiss you!" I'm thinking to myself, yeah right he doesn't want a girl to like him! Makayla gives him one of her nasty looks just like her mom does and I can't help but surpress a giggle. I can tell though she's slightly intrigued so, I'm thinking, those kids are NOT spending ANY time alone!! Remember last time, Cammie and Christina?????

Well, Payden turns to Ian and says "Ian you can kiss ME if you want. Really! You can kiss me, like for real!" Oh god! Ian wasn't interested though, thank god!

A follow-up to Makayla's dirty look to Ian about the kiss. Later, she asked me where they were going to sleep and I said they could sleep downstairs on the fold out couch or upstairs in the baby's room on the floor. Makayla says, "I don't care. I just want to sleep wherever Ian is sleeping." I think we have a romance in the making. They sat next to each other all weekend. Sharing the recliner and everything. They were really cute.

So, we get to the roller-skating rink and Steven takes the kids out first while I stay with. It was so hilarious! The place looks EXACTLY the same. Same blue rug with swirls of color, same blue rink, same disco ball, everything. Even same brown roller-skates with orange wheels much to the dismay of Makayla and Payden. Ian was happy though. Steven takes the kids out and I laughed the whole time (all on video by the way). Ian was falling all over the place, Makayla and Payden were pushing themselves using the bar to hang on to for leverage. Steven was doing ok for not going in like 20 years.

When Steven gets back I'm dying to get out. I felt that old thrill and couldn't wait to get out there. I knew there would be no backwards skating holding hand action but, still I wanted to skate, feel the wind in my hair, see the disco ball. So, after Steven FINALLY relieved me to go, he was having too much fun too, I get my skates on and stand up and realize, this is definitely not like riding a bike and the thrill is gone and basically, I really SUCK! I was never good but, now I'm really bad.

So, now is my turn. I can't even help the kids because I could barely stand. I'm falling all over the place hanging on the bar for my life. I fall and smash my face on the bar while YES, on camera and then the piece de resistance. I get to the end of the circle and realize the bar ends! I forgot that part and I'm forced to skate without the aid of the bar across the opening where people get in and out. I hung on to the end pretty desperately for a while little kids look up at me like "lady what is wrong with you?" I finally let go and I skate slowly over to Steven all the while he is video taping me and suddenly I lose my balance and I go down, HARD, face first 1/2 on the blue rink and 1/2 on the 40 year old blue carpet with my shirt riding up and my love handles hanging out. Oh the horror! Which half landed on the nasty carpet you ask? Of course, my face! Steven is laughing so hard and continuing to tape while I crawl over to him begging for him to help me and laughing so hard at myself and YES, it is all on tape. Steven kept playing it and rewinding and playing and rewinding all weekend! Pain in my butt!

So, after 45 minutes thekids not Steven (well Ian stopped after 5 minutes and sat eyeing the skee-ball and video games and in his words "dreaming about playing skee-ball." Think he wanted a quarter?), wanted to go and as we are pulling out of the parking lot, Payden turns and says "Can we go to Chuck E Cheese now?"

The Miracle of Birth IV

So, I have to move rooms. I'm already in active labor and because I want an epidural and I can't have the water birth, I have to move. Well, I don't care because I would do anything to get that relief.

So, I'm trying to gear up to walk across the hall but, everytime I begin to move it hurts so bad and another contraction is hitting me. Finally, I just start walking out and as I'm walking out I get a flash out of the corner of my eye. No, not a camera but, worse. Some people are waving at me and smiling. Uh, hello? I'm like dying here people and you are waving at me! Do I look like I want to wave at you? Do I look up for a wave, smile and a chatty chat, huh? huh? It was these people from my birthing class. Btw, this was the woman who said childbirth didn't hurt. So, obviously she is clinically insane and they are waving at me. I couldn't even wave back. I just looked at them and continued to make my way across the hall to my epidural! Later they went up to Steven and were like "We saw Amy and we are really concerned. Is she ok?" Of course I'm not ok, psycho lady! I'm in active labor!

So, I get across the hall and I really didn't know what I was saying. It's like when you drink WAY too much and can't remember the night before just bits and pieces. I wish I was drunk! But, Steven was more than happy to share later, of course. So, apparently, I would NOT stop talking about the epidural. They would ask me to do something and I would be like "If I do this, can I get my epidural?" or "Do you want your mom and sister to come in?" I'm like "if they come in, can I get my epidural?" It felt like it was taking forever and guess what, it was! No, seriously it really was. So, most people get the epidural when they are like 4 cm right, maybe 5? I got mine at 9 cm!!!! Yes, seriously 9 cm!!! Apparently the doctor was stuck in surgery and couldn't take two secs to stick a huge needle in my back and save me!

So, here is a part I find particularly funny. If it hadn't been for Steven, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. No, that's not the funny part. See, Steven started counting with me through the contractions and getting me to focus. I actually got a little out of the bad place.

BTW, don't EVER EVER EVER get any of the other drugs other than the epidural. They don't work and actually make things worse. Believe me, while I went from 4 to 9 cm, I had every cocktail they could make up. I'm sorry for those natural birthers out there, but I was willing to try anything! ANYTHING! All of which made me worse. Totally woozy and tired but, no relief from pain. I needed relief from pain not anti-anxiety meds nursy!

So, let's try this again, HERE is the funny part. During our birthing classes, we were watching this couple in labor and they were breathing together face to face and I turned to Steven and said "DON'T you dare do that to me!" Well, during my 4-9cm span, I was grabbing onto Steven's face and literally smooshing it into mine. It just made me feel better somehow! who knew? Michelle, you might want to try it. Worked for me!

So, finally my mom and sister couldn't take it anymore so they bust in. I guess they were like "Amy doesn't want us? What? We are her mom and sister? Are you sure you are talking about Amy?" They were so bummed. Well, as soon as they got in there, I did feel better and wished they had come in sooner. Next time, if there is a next time, ok there will be nanny don't worry. Next time, I want them in there from the beginning. Here is another thing Michelle, have those in the room that you want from the beginning because if you wait too long you won't be able to think straight and believe me, having your mom and sis is SO great. Women are good at this stuff. So, immediately, my mom and sister come in and grab my legs which were shaking so bad and uncontrollably. It was just what I needed. I don't know they knew but, they did and I felt more in control. I didn't realize the shaking was making me feel so much worse and they were encouraging me like "doing great, go go and stuff." It was perfect.

So, I'm at 9cm and the doc finally gets there and is like "you are almost ready to push, you sure you want the epidural" and I'm like "HELL YES!" You made me wait all this time promising me it was coming and I want it. I don't care if it's an hour of relief which by the way was what I got and it was the most wonderful, glorious hour in my life.

So, the epidural comes and it's like, life is there again. I can still feel my legs and stuff. You hear those horror stories and stuff so I was a little scared but, that doctor rocked! I had relief from the pain but, could still feel things that I needed to so it was actually really good, until the pushing started.

2 1/2 hours of pushing, whew! Actually looking back it wasn't the hardest part. My sister, mom and Steven were shouting me on and Steven was giving me water out of a big water bottle. I kind of felt like Rocky or something. da da da da da da da da da da (Rocky Theme song playing there). So, hear that music in your head as I give you the rest. Flying High Now! Flying High Now! I push and push and push and push. I sweat, I poop, I pee, I rip, I get a hematoma and I push and I'm climbing the stairs that are on fire just like my hoo hoo (oh the burn)up to the rocky statue and I made it! I made it! One little "get it out now!" and ok lots of screaming which I didn't even know I was doing and out comes the baby. They take him and put his warm and slimy body which wasn't gross at all. It was so cool and they say "It's a boy! and I secretly wanted a boy but of course said the polite bull-crap answer "as long as it's healthy" which is kind of true but, I did want a boy. He was so awesome and picked his head up and looked right at me and I was so amazed. It was love at first sight and just look at him now? He is awesome and still he gets up through the night and sometimes I can't stand him fussing but, he is so awesome. I love him sooo much and you know what. I'm not ready to do it again anytime real soon but, it was worth it. For him, I would do it again, twice maybe. Ok, maybe just once but, still that's true love!

Miracle of Birth Part III

I KNOW I've been totally slacking on my blogging and it's because I've been so busy at work which is cool but, don't they know I have a blog to write, GAWD! Anyway, back to the "Miracle of Birth!"

So, the mucus plug is out and my water or shall I say Niagra has starting coming out and honey it is definitely time.

So, the rest is kind of a blur after the beginning. The beginning wasn't so bad really. I walked around for a few hours and had some pretty bad cramps and then they turned worse and then it started feeling like a knife jabbing me in my uterus from the inside out and suddenly I wasn't feeling so nicey nicey and the sweet nurses started really annoying me. They were like "oh good, look! Amy isn't smiling anymore and she can barely stand during contractions!" Oh good? I'm dying and you say oh good? F U is all I have to say to that but, I surprised myself and Steven ALOT. I didn't swear or scream at him. I did scream later I guess but, at that point I didn't know what was happening.

Anyway, that comes later. First, after I couldn't walk anymore, I got in the shower and it was SO awesome. I felt so much better and I really didn't want anyone around me so it was perfect. Steven was just watching TV in the other room and he was thinking to himself "This isn't so bad at all." She's doing great which I was until they took me out of the friggin shower to check me and then all hell broke loose.

So, anyway, I'm in the shower and I've got a little routine down. I'm sitting during the short, way too short, unbelievably too short, time when I don't have contractions and standing and rocking back and forth when I do. It was working fine but, suddenly I found I was standing a lot more than sitting and when I was standing I was gripping harder and harder on the bars and oh god this is So awful. Steven had left to go get the camera or something like that and while he was gone, they decided to get me out of the shower and check me.

First the nurse puts her hand up my hoo hoo and says I'm about 4 inches and blah blah blah effaced. I don't really care. All I hear is 4 cm and I'm like how am I supposed to live through 6 more! This is only going to get worse, seriously, worse? I can't do it, I can't do it, OH god I need meds or something. I really can't do this. Oh god, oh god, oh god!!! Ahhh!!!! So, this is when I remember what Christina said "If you get out of control, it's bad, keep in control." and I'm like what the F? I didn't know what she was talking about then but, now I do. I'm totally freakin out and its hurting so bad and the doctor comes in and sticks her hand up my hoo hoo while I'm having a contraction and oh god, I'm dying, I'm seriously dying. Ok, Michelle stop reading now.

So, the doctor says, "ok, moving along nicely, you are at 3 cm. WhAAAAT! The nurse just said 4. don't take me back lady! Please don't take me back! Just lie to me, tell me I'm at 9cm. I can't see my hoo hoo! I'll believe you. But, now it's too late. The damage is done and remember what Christina said. Well, ladies and gents, I am TOTALLY out of control now. I can't even see straight. Where the hell is Steven? I'm like seriously running around the room like "I can't do this, I can't do this" and the nurses are trying to grab me and look in their eyes and concentrate or some dumb crap that doesn't work. The try and get me on the friggin ball and I'm like "screw you!" Well, I don't say it but, I'm surely thinking it and the nurse is grabbing me and saying "you ARE doing it, Amy, you are doing great! Look in my eyes and breathe" and I'm thinking "Lady, I don't know you, I don't want to look in your eyes and I certainly don't give a sh.. about breathing." Oh god, where is Steven, where is Steven? I must really love him because he was the ONLY person I wanted to see at the moment. He comes back and I'm running all over the room with the nurses running after me and he's like "What happened?" and I blurt out "I NEED the epidural!! I REALLY NEED it!" knock me out, give me drugs, I don't care what you have to do but, take me out of this misery! I SAID MICHELLE STOP reading this. You know she won't do it. I wouldn't either!

He's like "You can do it. You were doing great!" WERE being the important word here. "I DON"T CARE how I WAS doing!" I say "I NEED the epidural" Why won't anyone listen to me! Now, I'm crying and the nurses are telling me that I can do it and NO ONE could convince me that I could it was too late. I had gone to the bad place and I wasn't coming back until I got my epidural. SO, they say to me, "You can't have the waterbirth with an epidural" which I'm like "no Sh..why do you think I'm trying to do it without the epidural in the first place?" I thought you were supposed to be the nurse! So, I'm like I don't care, whatever I need to do or say to get the epidural, I'm doing it!

So, I have to switch rooms!

Ok, this is going to be a book by the time I'm done!

The Miracle of Birth, Part II

First before I begin the rest of my labor story, I want to say thank you to everyone for my response to my last blog. I have to say Irene the "oh it's just me pooping" really made me laugh so hard. I love having you guys to commiserate with me.



Ok, so by popular demand I have decided to continue with my Miracle of Birth story. I may hav e to keep doing additions now and then because there is just so much to cover!



Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, I was having Rosemary's baby. So, I was scared I was having Satan's Spawn but, at least it distracted me from my other fear, the pain, oh the pain!



So, on September 3 around 6am, I lay in bed not sleeping as usual because let's face it, how can you sleep when you are that huge? There is a reason god put whales in the water that is all I have to say.



So, 6am, I suddenly feel this warm water gushing from between my legs and I think "my god, I knew that you got bladder problems when pregnant but, this is ridiculous" then it hit me! Oh! Here it comes, here it really comes. I mean I know I was as huge as a house and felt the baby jabbing me in my ribs constantly but, I guess part of me thought that it wouldn't really happen, that I would just wake up and not be pregnant or something. So, the water keeps coming and coming and I'm like "holy crap, this is like niagra!"



I wake Steven up and tell him my water broke and he is surprisingly calm. I thought he would freak out but, he just looked at the bed and all the water and was like "Gross!"



So, I feel fine. No cramps, no nothing. Maybe I will be like one of those women who feel no pain I think to myself. Like those women working in the fields and having babies. Yahoo!



Well 1/2 hour later, I knew that I was most certainly NOT one of those women as cramps started hitting me!



So, we drive to the hospital and I call everyone to let them know I was in labor and I was acting excited but, really I am terrifed. Oh, I forgot one really important part. So, water is coming out of me like niagra and I'm like "how am I going to get to the hospital with all this water coming out so I grab like three towels and shove them in between my legs because well let's face it, three towels can't squeeze into your underwear unless they are those stretchy underwear they give you in the hospital which are like glad trashbags for underwear, they just keep stretching!" Anyway, I'll get back to that later, so I shove those towels in between my legs and am hobbling out the door, like I wasn't waddling enough already right?

I'm thinking to myself. How come they never show the women with big towels shoved in their crotches in the movies or anything.

So, we drive to the hospital and I'm literally shaking all over, I really scared and stuff but, I'm trying to remain calm.

We get to the hospital and I'm like, this is it, this is it! I expect them to wheel me in and get me to my room right away and I'm heaving and sweaty and stuff but, this is definitely not how it happens.

I walk, yes walk, what the hell can't I at least get the wheelchair and I'll fake the huffing and puffing stuff for attention. I like that!

Anyway, I walk or more like waddle up to the 2nd floor and I get to the front desk and they are like "yes?" and I'm like "hello, can't you see I'm important, having a baby here lady." But, they are just like "have a seat we'll get you checked in a moment" Like I can sit with all those towels in between my legs. So, we wait and it was pretty quick but, not anything like the movies.

I get into the room and the nurses aren't there yet. I'm like "what do I do?" Should I get on the bed and put my feet in the stirrups? Should I start my breathing? Well, I think, I might as well get these wet towels out of my crotch. So, I take them and Steven is like "throw them in the trash, yuck!" So, I do and I sit down and in comes the nurse and now I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable but, not like I can't smile and be polite and I think "this isn't so bad, I'm doing ok, I know it gets worse but, I'm ok" So, the nurse says "Are you sure your water broke" and I'm like "Umm..Does a bear ....?" You know how it goes. So she is like, where are the things you had in between your crotch? and no she doesn't say crotch but, it's more interesting that way. So, I say "I threw them out" and she's like "why would you do that?" I'm like "where else would gross water which is really pee go?" Anyway, she fishes them out of the trash and I can tell she's annoyed but, oh well, how was I supposed to know? She looks at the three wet towels and her eyes go big and she's like "wow, that is a lot of water and your mucus plug too!" Hey, I wanted to see what that looked like! But, oh well, I don't much care right now because I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. BUT, then I panic, I remember very definitely what that means. It's like the tub, you pull the plug and out it comes. OH GOD! I really have to do this!

Ok, gotta go, more later....

I AM GRUMPY!

I am soo grumpy today. I think it doesn't help that the baby woke up every hour, seriously, last night and now I feel sick. I have a headache, sore throat and my body just aches. I'm really feeling sorry for myself and I told the programmer guys that sit around me and they were like "You'll be fine." NOT the response I was looking for. I wanted pure sympathy and cooing and stuff. What do I expect? They are programmers and men after all. I'm lucky they talk to me.

Then to top it off, I really hate hate hate Training Biatch! I shouldn't say that but, today I do. I want to take her and slam her against the wall and shake her (remember Spring Break Michelle?) That is what I want to do to her. I know, I know, how violent right? Well I don't care, I do!

SIDE NOTE: Spring Break from UNH I had it out with Michelle's friend, woops! She deserved it. She did! Even ask Michelle! Those girls were really nasty to us. It takes me a lot to get that PO'd. This is the funny part, Get this, after Spring Break I saw her boyfriend on campus and he gave me the finger when driving by in his jeep (OMG, I am totally laughing out loud thinking about it). The couple I'm referring to ended up getting married and she continued being Michelle's GF (still is) and we had to be in Michelle's wedding together!! Can you say, awkward? It was actually better than I thought thank god! Hmmm...I hope she doesn't read this blog. Oh well! Let bygones be bygones, right?

Anyway, that big fat biatch (she's actually really skinny but doesn't big fat biatch sound better)? She and her pals always play cards at lunch time now, remember my story about asking that HR biatch about pumping at work and how embarassing it was and all that? Well, training biatch works with her and training biatch specifically posted a schedule that I have the conference room from 11:30-12:00 every day, not embarassing or anything!

Well, there is a big conference room that they normally all play cards in and have lunch. Today it was taken up by a meeting. So, what does that big fat biatch do? She and her pals take the room and shut the door that I PUMP IN during the TIME that I PUMP. Plus, I had a class later on so I had to pump in the yucky bathroom and answer the questions from others wandering in "what is that noise?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Do you hear that?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Is someone in that stall?" "It's me pumping, sorry!"

I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!

She's going to die! I just have to think of a plan for that big selfish piece of crapola. Any suggestions? I'm thinking something with Ex-Lax or eye drops in her drink. Then, she can be stuck in the bathroom pooping herself! Mwaahahahahaha (that was supposed to be a dracula laugh in case you didn't know).

Ok, done venting. I really AM grumpy!

Have a good night everyone! :)

By God She's Got it! She's Really Got it!

I'm so excited. I have the proof!!! I've been wondering and nervous and questioning and today I know I've got it, I've really got it!

What do I have you ask? I have the most wonderful, crazy, beautiful, sometimes irrational thing ever!

GUYS, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHOCKED WHEN I TELL YOU THIS!

I TOTALLY HAVE IT, YES ME, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, I HAVE..................................................................................................................................................................................

Motherly Instinct! I really do! I'm so happy!

I just called Steven and little Stevie was happily babbling and screaming in the background and hearing him made me ache to hold him in my arms and kiss him all over his cheeks and neck and smell him and see his gummy smile. I almost felt sick, literally sick, my heart totally hurt, even writing this is kind of making me feel like crying, isn't that awesome?

I can't wait to go home and you know what else? I just realized, I'm totally a mother now! I'm like motherly and loving and kissy and stuff. I just can't get enough of him sometimes not all the time, but sometimes! I know so queer but, I'm happy and who cares right?

Shlanks, this is what you have to look forward to!

What a great day!

If Only I was a Lesbian!

Ok, I know Mimi, I have to finish my birthing story and I keep getting distracted. You have to keep on me. I know it's going to be so long because well I'm so long-winded and I keep putting it off and well, I'm putting it off AGAIN!

I promise I'll get back to it.

The other night Steven had his friends over for poker and Christina didn't have the girls for the night becuase they were sleeping over their cousins house and so she came along too with Matt.

So, we decided to party hardy. I bought lots of wine (of course) and lots of food (of course) and was ready to be bad with my big sis. Well, it's so sad ladies and gents but, I just don't have it like I used to. I used to be able to party like a rock star and drink with the best of them but, now three glasses of wine and I've got a buzz on but, for some reason I keep thinking I can party like I used to and then I have too much and no I don't get totally smashed, I just fall asleep! How boring am I?

Anyway, so it's about 6pm and I'm getting ready for everyone to come over and I pour myself a glass of wine to get in the mood and my sister comes and then the drinking really starts because she can drink A LOT! So, I have four glasses of wine and Little Stevie has fallen asleep and I decide that I'm going to put him to bed and then party like a rock star. Woo hoo!

I think you can see where this is going..YES, I fall asleep and I only wake up at midnight because Steven was shaking me in his drunkin state and handing me a sausage sub in bed. YES, in bed, GROSS! So, what do I do? Why, I eat it of course and it's disgusting. I didn't think you could screw up Sausage subs but, you can, honestly you really can.

So, I fall asleep after eating the gross sub and I wake up again and it's 1am and the baby is up. I realize I left his milk downstairs and I can't see because my eyes are all dried up from my contacts being stuck on my eyeball because I fell asleep with them in and I'm trying to pry them from my eye and it's like a suction cup. Don't you hate that? Anyway, I finally wake up and able to look around and I realize Steven isn't in bed yet. Is he still up? WOW! They are partying crazy like. Wait a minute? Steven isn't in bed with me but, someone else is. Who is that lump in my bed? Oh, it's my sister, Christina. SMART GIRL! She got into bed with me before Steven did. hehehe.

Anyway, I go downstairs and all the lights in the house are on and the TV and radio are blaring. Cards and beers are all over the table and sausauge subs are hanging all over the stove! Remember that movie, "Sixteen Candles" when the pizza is going around the record player as if it were the record? That's what my house looked like! JEEZUS!

It looks like they were playing cards and drinking and eating and then just passed out or something and well, that is exactly what happened! I look in the living room and Steven and Matt are passed out on the pull out couch with no blankets, fully clothed. Jeremy is passed out on the chair, no blankets. They are snoring away like crazy all in different order and it's so loud. I turn everything off and leave everything else including Steven where it is.

So, I get the milk and proceed back upstairs and I realize the baby hasn't started crying while I'm doing all this. What the heck? I go back upstairs and there is my sister, sleeping and giving the baby a pacifier. So, I take his pacy out and give him a bottle and fall back asleep.

Ok, 3am, baby wakes up again. This time Christina has him in her arms before me and is rocking him back to sleep. This is friggin great! What help! So, I go to get his bottle ready when suddenly I notice there is a loud snoring noise coming from the hall. What the hell? So, I feed the baby and then go out to the hall to check out what is going on. Somewhere between 1am and 3am Steven got up and then passed out on the floor in the upstairs hallway. I'm not quite sure what happened there but, again I leave him where he is.

5am, baby wakes up again. This time I make it first before Christina and start givig him a bottle. However a few seconds later, I look over and Christina is asleep with a fake bottle in her hand, feeding the baby. She was literally in the same position I was! It was hilarious. Steven is still sleeping on the floor and yes I still leave him there.

7am, baby wakes up for morning. I wake up and bring him downstairs so as not to wake Christina. Yes, Steven is still sleeping in the hall and I try to crawl over him to get downstairs with the baby which I manage, barely.

Now, I have to pump bad. You know how it feels. Like rocks in my boobs. So, I put the baby down in his activity gym and go to pump. Wait a minute! Something is wrong here! My pump isn't working. Oh no! The guys passed out and left the dogs downstairs with free rein to the house and they ate a critical part to my breast pump, the tiny white valve. It won't work without it! AHH!! Seriously people!

So, anyway that is another story but, let's just say. Why the hell do they not sell breast pump parts in the store AND why do you have to order them from the manufacturer directly AND why don't they make a nice cheaper pump to buy in the meantime? Can you say "manually pumping sucks big donkey balls??"

Ok, back to my story. So, Steven wakes up in the morning and I ask him what the heck was he doing sleeping in the hall and he says Matt woke him up and kicked him out because he was rubbing his back in his sleep. SO FRIGGIN FUNNY! and when he got up he started puking so he decided that sleeping on the hall was closer to the bathroom and I'm thinking, five steps more to the bed was too much? Ok, whatever!

My sister wakes up and I say to her, "Thank you so much for all your help last night!" It was awesome and she turns to me and says "what help?" I explain what she did and she say "I don't even remember doing it. It must be innate from having the girls or something." and I think to myself, oh why oh why couldn't I have been a lesbian?

What Happened to Ian's Creations??

That's all I have to say about that.

OHHHH It Happened Again!

Ok, remember when I was telling you about those female dogs in my office? Well, it just happened again.

I was helping training biatch last week with some of her bounceback e-mails and I was actually enjoying have a break from my normal day.

THEN, today in the meeting my boss asked her how her bouncebacks were going and she says "Oh really good. I (YES I!) got a lot done. I did like 143 bouncebacks (again I)" and she looks right at me and doesn't say a thing. Like, "some of those bouncebacks were researched and taken care of by Amy" OR "thanks Amy for helping." NOTHING! That BIG BIATCH took all the credit and didn't say a thing on how I helped her.

I'm not helping her again! That's it!

OH GOD! You know I will if she asks me!!!!!! What is wrong with me?

Could it Get Any Worse?

When I say could it get any worse? I am referring to my luck! So, here is what happened last night.

Picture it, Amy and Steven have a lovely dinner at the Carleton household, lots of laughter, fun and even singing! Which is pretty typical at the Carleton household. If you can believe it, I am the least outgoing of my family which makes for a pretty wild time.

Anywho, Steven and I get into the car at about 9pm last night. I did have a couple glasses of wine before dinner so I had to wait a bit before driving. Although, I enjoy my wine, I am very careful about driving especially with the baby. I had to mention that just in case, especially for nannie. I know how she worries about these things. So Nannie, I was very careful.

Ok, so I leave the house and I'm really not the best driver. I finally after driving for 15 years, will admit this. Hesitantly, but, ok I admit I really can't back up well. I don't understand how to use my mirrors. I've backed into many things in my lifetime including my friend's brother's BMW (drove away quickly), a fence (knocked it over and drove away quickly), snow banks (way too many times to count). I have yet to back into any people, so I guess it could be worse, right?

I digress as usual, so Steven was helping me back up guiding me along the way. Ok, more like "watch out for your dad's truck!" "Turn your wheel, no way more than that!" and "Watch out for your mom's car!" Well, two seconds later, I hear a smash. OH GOD! What did I hit now? I think to myself. Umm...Matt's truck. Yep, I hit Matt's truck and smashed a hole in my bumper. I KNOW, I KNOW for anyone who has been reading my blogs, I just GOT this FRIGGIN CAR! I have only made one payment on it!! So, now I not only have a million dents in my hood and fender (NOT MY FAULT I would like to point out). I also have a hole in my bumper and it's not like I can say ice fell on my hood and then flew up in the air and smashed my bumper, can I?

Anyway, you think that is the end of my night? OH NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE! We drive home and I'm so upset that I've made further damaged to my very beautiful, well at least it was 6 weeks ago when we bought it, car. I pull around the corner by our house and notice a police car is following us. Now, THIS is why I mentioned the wine. For any of us who have driven after a couple glasses of wine, you know the panic you feel when you see a cop following you. Now, I was not drunk or over the limit at all (I swear Nannie) but, you still freak out. So, my heart is pounding and I turn the corner to our road and he is STILL behind us. I'm like, oh god, oh god. I pull into our driveway and oh yes, that cop pulls in behind me. I get out of the car and I feel like puking. He says "I just want to let you know that your tail light is out, but have a good night." PHEW!

So, do you think that is the end of my story? The end of my night? NOPE! We get into the house and it is freezing cold in there. Steven looks at the heaters and they are out. YES, you guessed it, we are out of propane and it's now 10pm and you all know Steven work for Proulx, Oil and freakin PROPANE and this is a really shameful thing to do if you work there. So, Steven opts to have us load the woodstove every 3 hours through the night in conjunction with waking up with the baby. It was wonderful by the way! Then, what do I do? I jump in the shower this morning and AHH!! It's freezing. Oh crap, I forgot we were out of propane! So, as I said, could it get any worse?

Why Do Some Women Have to be SUCH BIG Female Dogs?

Ok, I know I'm digressing from my devil baby birth but, I promise I will get back to it. I just wanted to share because I'm kind of pissed right now.

So, I'm not a bad person really, I mean I gossip too much and yes we all know I can be OTT (over the top) sometimes but, I try to be friendly and kind most of the time and I'm just sensitive enough that I can't stand it when someone doesn't like me and it drive me nuts. I keep being like "ok, well screw them I can't make them like me" and then the next second I'm kissing their butts and being so disgustingly sweet I actually hate myself. It's just revolting.

So, here is the deal. I started a new job as some of you know and there are a few women that from the beginning have given me the cold shoulder and I just couldn't figure it out.

So, it all started on my first day really. I know my first day! Seriously people! Like being laid off when you just had a baby, having to find a new job, leaving your baby to go back to work, isn't tough enough, I have to deal with these biatches. Anyway, first the girl that showed me around, the HR girl was far from friendly and then the girl who was training me was talking so fast and being so nasty that I couldn't even understand what she was saying. I'm like, what the hell? To top it off, the IT lady who was getting me set up on my computer was nasty too! I just wanted to run and cry. I'm really not good with mean people. My sister is great. She will tell someone off in a second or just beat the crap out of them. She doesn't back down at all. I wish I was more like that. Ok sooo, I had to figure out where to pump and I didn't know who to ask and well I didn't really have many options so I picked the mean HR girl because she was in HR and I figured she might know about that stuff and when I asked her. She was like "What?" "I don't know what you are going to do about that!" and so I'm like "there has got to be other people that have babies and have to pump" and she says "I don't know of any" So, she's like "well how long are you going to have to do it?" like I'm a big inconvenience and I'm thinking oh god I am so out of here meaning they are going to fire me. I'm like "I don't know, like at least until my baby is six months is my plan" so she says all annoyed "WELL, how OFTEN are you going to have to do it?" I'm like "well once a day should do and I'll do it during my lunch break" I'm now turning red because I'm embarassed and kind of ticked off and I know it's against the law if they won't accomodate me and I feel like saying that but, of course I don't. SO, I guess she wasn't the best person to ask!!

So, back to the training girl. SO, I get her talking by asking her about herself and I know you are thinking, why are you making the effort Amy, right? I can't help myself! I'm nuts or something! So, we kind of bond a bit and talk some girl talk and I'm like ok, she's warming up to me. Cool! Well, during our girl talk she says "The hard thing is, and not that I hold it against you (and you KNOW anytime a person says that they SO DO hold it against you) but, I wanted your job and I didn't get. OH friggin great AND she's training me. Do I trust she is going to tell me the right things? ummmm...hell NO! So, anyway, we do bond a bit and she got out the secret and I think maybe she likes me now. Um, no she doesn't, still doesn't. She gives me dirty looks and stuff. She was in the hospital sick and I wrote her an e-mail saying I hope she was ok and to let me know if she needed anything and blah blah blah (I know I am so revolting) and she didn't even respond. She didn't even say thanks for the e-mail when she got back. Didn't even mention it. Every once in a while she is nice to me but, I think it is by accident or something.

So, that's the HR and the training girl. What about the IT lady? She is really mean to me too and she is probably the most bitchy of them all. But, you know what just happened? I walked into the break room and IT biatch is talking to training biatch and they are all smiling and happy and nicey nice and I'm thinking I really hate them! They don't even acknowledge my presence in this tiny break room and I just get my water and I'm like "screw them, if they want to be mean, I'll be mean right back. I'll give them a taste of their own medicine!" and then I go to leave and they look at me as I pass them with their bitchy faces on and what do I do??? What do I do?? I give them a big nicey nice smile. What is my freaking problem? All I can say is, I have issues.

The Miracle of Birth

So, Mimi..ask and you shall receive. Although, me telling this story might have to be continued because I think this may be a long one. Oh, BTW, Mimi I just got what you meant by Steven crawling down the hole and you are friggin hilarious!!! I love it.

Anyway, so let me start from the beginning, of the delivery I mean. Towards the end of my pregnancy I got really huge. Like HUGE! I started to get nervous that maybe Papa's wish had come true and I really WAS carrying twins. I was envisioning one baby hiding behind the other during the ultrasound and everything. I know, ridiculous but, I just was so huge. I went to the docs and confirmed. At 26 weeks prego, I was measuring like I was 30, so I went in for an ultrasound.

I was really excited to get another ultrasound but, also really freaked out that maybe there were TWINS in there and well, I was nervous about my motherly instincts to begin with let alone having two infants. I don't even like babies! I still don't actually but, I love little Stevie. It's true, it's different when it's your own or translate to Amy language, you can't back out at that point and well you have no friggin choice do you? Then, after a couple months,they grow on you and all.

Anyway, back to the delivery info. SO, I get my ultrasound and I'm envisioning 2 babies or 11 pounds of big honking baby in there and what do I see? It was scary, it was really friggin scary. I was having Rosemary's baby! SERIOUSLY, the ultra sound lady is scanning over the baby and she is like oh "look it's an eye and she prints it out" I'm like "OMG, that is not a human eye, that thing is the devil!" I envisioned that seen in Rosemary's baby when she sees her baby and they show his eyes and they are all evil looking and scary and that is EXACTLY what this ultrasound picture looks like. I wish I could scan it and show it to you to prove it but, I don't have a scanner. BUT, I did show it to my family and they agreed. I was either having Rosemary's baby or a Cyclops! No lie! So, now I'm freaked out of course and I'm thinking oh no, I'm having an ugly baby. Like in that episode of Seinfeld when their friends baby is really ugly and they keep saying "What a baby!" That is what I thought was going to happen to me.

Anyway, after the ultrasound it was determined that everything was normal (yeah right, Rosemary!) and I could continue with the pregnancy as planned until the devil baby was born. Ok, gotta stop here. Steven is complaining that I'm not spending any time with him and I'm hanging out on the computer, jerk! Ok, I told you this would be a To be continued so......

To Wipe or Not to Wipe, that is the Question..

So, last night I went out with my friend and former co-worker, Robin and had such a good time. We shared a couple appetizers and drank lots of wine it was great and you know what? My husband was awesome!! He took care of the baby, didn't complain when I came home buzzed and started drinking more wine, made me dinner AND didn't get mad when I waited until I finished my wine to eat. Now that is seriously awesome. Anyway, I just wanted to say how awesome he is!

Ok, so here is my question of the day to the lovely ladies out there. I've been wondering this for a while and I figure what better way to get answers than to share it on my blog.

Now, I was talking to a friend a few months ago and she said she would NEVER wipe her ghine when she gets out of the shower with a towel because think of the bacteria that could be on the towel and then you wipe it on your ghine and you end up with some nasty infection. She said she just lets it air dry. Now, I'm thinking to myself, OH GOD, I always wipe otherwise, I would feel all water logged and stuff. Plus, what if you had leftover soap or something up there, wouldn't that be worse? But, then I began wondering if I was the only one who wiped their gine, just to clarify, I'm talking a quick but efficient swipe inside the gine not just outside. So, anyway ladies, what's the consensus? To Wipe or Not to Wipe, that is the question????

BTW, Cammie, sorry about the throbbing manhood. You can commiserate with Molanki, she has really had to hear alot of stuff you never want to hear about your brother. But, does that ever stop me?? Of course not!

Like a Virgin Touched for the Very Last Time

Ok, so Michelle said I should write about this and I have been nervous about this subject. I know, me, nervous about writing about anything is a shock for you guys but, I'm putting this out there and if it's too much (like any of my other posts haven't been too much?) you can blame my dear old sister-in-law and BFF Molanki!

Ok, so I guess I never thought about what could happen during childbirth, really what I mean is what could happen after childbirth. I think I was totally in shock about the fact that I had to go through 17 hours of labor and then have like a month of pain afterward, well actually more like 4 months of pain afterward, but I will explain later. After I had the baby, I sat in the shower for like 2 hours, I seriously think I had PTSD. I couldn't believe what had happened to me!! Ok, I digress, back to the subject at hand.

Remember back to the time when losing your virginity held such magic? You wondered who it would be with? You kind of realistically knew there wouldn't be fireworks but, you still sort of hoped for it. You read the romance novels with the savages and ravishing the red head beauty and you invisioned, even though you were no where near like the character in the novel, that it was you. That it was you lying there in the full moon with your white alabaster breast heaving in the tee-pee shaking with anticipation and your lover comes with his throbbing manhood and....well you know how it goes.

Then, reality hits, there is no tee-pee and his strong hands don't caress your body. It's mostly fumbling and awkward and "OW! What the hell?" That is not what I expected at all. Anyway, girls, I got to experience it twice. Much to the delight of my husband and horror to myself.

Let's just say, I received many stitches after the baby was born and as I healed something didn't feel quite right. The hole was there and all but, before there was no skin. Now, the skin was there before the end of things. When I first felt it I thought, oh I'm just healing from everything but, as time went on, things still weren't hey ho, hey ho. I went to the docs and they said everything was fine. They actually said "after birth some women have it easy and some women don't" and with a smile she said "I guess you won't have it easy but keep working at it." I wanted to take that speculum she was clicking in my hoo=hoo and stick it down her m)*&&^ F877ing throat!!!!

Anyway, I tried to be all I could be, I climbed every mountain, I really tried. I tried as in, lubs (which I'm allergic to by the way, not cool), visualization, relaxation. It was horrible. It was like I was a virgin again but, worse because this was skin not meant to rip. My husband was very patient but, well he's a man and every once in a while, bit off a little more than I could chew let's say.

But, everyone, FINALLY four months later. I've had success. I've done it and no it's not like my apache man has come to ravish me but, I'm back to normal. Kind of but really close to normal. I really hate that doctor who sewed me up and you know what? She was pregnant too and I can't help but hope it was her first and she ripped and someone sewed her up too! Ok, sorry but it's true, I'm not going to mince words. Do I ever? Ok, so I had success, woo hooo! Back to the grab my boob, kiss me and think I'm ready fun. Oh damn! Maybe I should have plead the fifth after all!

Can You Spare a Square?

Today I would like to talk about the real hassle of toilet paper, yes toilet paper not that I don't want to wipe or anything but, REALLY it can be such a hassle. Here a few things that I would like to say about toilet paper and wiping in general.

-I hate when you sit down and go poop and then realize there is no toilet paper, you look around for anything tissues, napkin anything. I'm not going to lie, here is the gods honest truth, this happened to me recently and I was home alone for once and I went through the trash and found an old breast pad and wiped my butt with it. I had to! It was actually quite pleasant all soft and absorbent.

-Ever go into a public restroom with those economy size roles in the big plastic thing and you can't get the toilet paper to come off the role? You keep rolling and rolling and it won't come off. Round and round and round and you can't reach your hand up there to take it off the thing so you just have to keep going around until it comes off. Plus, sometimes that plastic thing that goes across is sharp and hurts your hand! This just happened to me and I was so annoyed that it motivated me to write this blog today.

-Don't you hate when you just can't seem to get the poo off your bum. You wipe and wipe and wipe and suddenly your butt is bleeding and sore and you still have poo on the toilet paper. Come on! We all look to see what's on that paper!

-What about when you don't wipe enough? You're in a rush, you're somewhere gross and can't wait to get out of there so you wipe so quickly that there are still some remnants and it starts to feel uncomfortable and stingy and you know EXACTLY what it is and you know when you look at your under wear the next time there will be a little remnant of what you didn't take care of.

-What about when you roll the toilet paper and it comes off the role like amazing quickly and scatters all over the floor and all you really want to do is gather that stuff up and flush it but, you can't because not only will it clog the toilet but, it's a waste of paper so you take the time and annoyingly wrap it back onto the roll and then you have this big round mound sticking on your roll which won't roll around!

-What about when you have remnants on your hoo-hoo and it balls up and sticks to the hair and you have to yank it off and yowsah, that hurts! Or even worse, you go to have a romantic night with your significant other and they are like, YUCK! You got TP on your hoo hoo!

One more before I go, don't you hate when you are wiping and toilet paper rips and you get poop on your finger! That is by far the grossest I think. No one wants poop on their finger unless they are like 2 and then they can't get enough poop on their finger!

"Spaghetti and Meat Bulbs"

Remember "The Family Circus" cartoon. I loved those cartoons and also I had the book which was called "Spaghetti and Meat Bulbs" and had tons of the cartoons in it and was so funny. I was thinking today that I can't wait until Little Stevie is old enough to talk and say funny things. So, I thought I would share a few things that my neices and nephews have said over the years that are just so funny to me.

I'll start off with a quote from Ian that I find hilarious! Ian said to his teacher on his first day of school after walking up and down checking out the different activities going on...

"Seriously, there is NOTHING to do here!"

My nephew Michael was walking through the store with his mom when he began staring at a quite unattractive woman. Nikki tried to pull him away but, before she could his little mouth opened and yelled...

"Lady, you are UGLY!"

One time I was sitting in one of those sun chairs with the the plastic strips in the back and Payden my neice said...

"Cool! Makayla come look! Aunty's fat is squishing out of the holes in the back of this chair, see!" and she began poking and pinching the fat coming through to further demonstrate!

Another quote from Payden. We always say grace on holidays and my dad always starts off with "Thank you Dear Lord." Well one year Payden decided she wanted to say grace so she put her little hands together and bowed her head and said "Thank you dear Lo.." At this point she stopped and thought then shook her head as if she remembered now. She opened her mouth again and said...

"Thank you Dear Lock..."

Yet another quote from Payden, a recent one. When little Stevie was born we were trying to think of what to call him as he is a junior. Once we came up with Little Stevie Payden said..

"We'll call him Little Stevie now but, when he grows up and gets big we'll call him UNCLE Steven."

Ok, it wouldn't be me if I didn't add a few, just over the line one's so here they are. Just a warning to any sensitive readers!

After I had the baby, I stayed at my parents for a couple of days while everyone cleaned and finished the addition in the house which was so awesome. Anyway, I had to go to the bathroom and I had a seperate trash bag for all my, let's say, panty materials (see my other blog about post pardum periods for further information) Well, my neice Makayla had to go after me and I had forgotten to take my trash out. She came out all horrified and wispered to her mother her eyes all wide...

"I went into the bathroom after Aunty and she left her garbage bag in there and I looked in and it was all BLOOD and stuff! It even smelled really yucky!"

Here is a real old one from when I was a kid. I used to sleep over my neighbor/friend Chris's house with Harris and myself. One night, the two boys were trying to figure out what Maxi-pads were for because Chris had found some under the sink. Chris said "I think it has something to do with blood because I saw my mom have one on her underwear once and I think it had blood on it." Harris said "No Chris, don't be dumb! It is to hold in all the hair down there!"

I'll finish with one final risque one. My nephew Brandon was playing with his "you know what" one day in the living room. Now, his mother trying to be political and open explained that he could do those things in his room with the door shut in private but, not out in the living room or in public. Brandon shrugged and turned to his brother Michael who was playing a video game and said..

"Hey Michael, you want to go in our room and play with our penises?" Michael, not even looking up from his video game and continuing to play said in response, "Nah."

Thank You!

I just want to say thank you so much to Cam and Mimi for being my first comments!

It is very exciting to get comments I have to say. Now, Michelle, you slack butt, you better start commenting! How am I supposed to get discovered if I don't have any comments? I mean we already established I'm not going to get discovered by singing, tap dancing (oh god seriously, remember our instructor.."is that real tap dancing?", acting, skiing, snowboarding (as if skiing wasn't a disaster I had to try something even harder), saxophone (I could barely play my 5 note solo senior year after 12 years of playing), piano, basketball, volleyball, horse-back riding (if only I didn't pee every time I tried and pulled on the reins a little harder so my horse wouldn't wander off into the woods while I smack my head on low hanging branches), fishing, cooking, anything crafty, pictures (I once took 100 photos of a single rose picturing those pictures with the morning dew on the beautiful red rose and they were all blurry or had my finger in them), modeling (although I have to say I ROCK the "America's Next Top Model" runway walk, right everyone?) and any other hobby or talent I have attempted and thought, maybe I'll be a natural and get discovered! So, again, people including my BFF and prego sister-in-law you just have to comment so I can get discovered!

Shaking Booby Syndrome

Ok, so this story happened a while ago but, I forgot about it until today and I wanted to put it on my blog because I think it is hilarious!

Ok, so anyway, I think we have established the fact that Steven is AWFUL at night and never wakes up so this is a little tid bit to show you what I mean.

A couple months ago, I was sleeping, yes actually sleeping for once when all of the sudden I was awoken by a very odd sensation. My husband had a hold of my boob and was shaking it up and down quite vigirously. I'm thinking to myself "What the???" when all of the sudden it starts getting weirder. He starts feeling my nipple and not in a pleasant way and pinching and twisting it. I'm like "ok, first of all if this is some new tantric method he heard about, it's not working" and second of all "you jerk, I'm sleeping for once and you think you are going to get some action?" Well, this shaking and pinching continues for a few more seconds and I've had enough. I smack his hand away and elbow him hard and say "CUT IT OUT!" A statement he is not unused to. He groggily says "What?" I say again "CUT IT OUT, What the hell?" So, he stops and all is quiet for a few minutes until I hear him start busting out laughing, like gut wrenching laughter and I'm annoyed at first. "What is it now?" I say to him. He says, "I can't believe what just happened. I had a dream that the baby was crying and I was rocking him to sleep when suddenly his belly button felt really weird, I touched it and it started growing and changing shape so I started feeling it some more, pinching it and moving it around because I was really freaked out that maybe it never healed right and it was coming out and his stomach and guts might come out and stuff. All the sudden you woke me up and you were yelling at me to stop shaking your boob and pinching your nipple!! Even in my exhausted state this was hilarious. We both started laughing so hard for like 10 minutes I was literally crying! I'm going to call it "Shaking Booby Syndrome." :)

The Fascinating World of Breastmilk

Ok, first I would like to start off by saying, Greg if you are reading this, stop because it is a subject you don't like to talk about. Ok, so back to the topic at hand. Breastmilk. I'm fascinated by it, by the production of it, by the whole topic of it. It's been four months since I started pumping and it still fascinates me. What is it that fascinates me you ask? Well, of course it's me and I'm going to tell you in great detail.

1. the most normal of the things, it fascinates me that I can produce food, actual food, that has made my baby grow and gain weight. He has gone from 8 to almost 14 pounds, living off something that comes from my boob. Crazy! I could actually make kinds of food, cheese, icecream and yogurt. I know gross, nevermind.

2. I can't believe it comes out of my boob and has many holes, who knew! I like to count when I am pumping. I have determined that my left boob contains 10 holes and my right contains 8 which is weird because my right boob pumps the most milk. Amazing!

3. You can squirt breast milk out of your boob really far! I became a little obsessed with this for a while, squirting at Steven and at objects like a target. Then, I had to limit it to the shower because, well it's milk and gets sour and stinky. Woops! Should have thought of that before. But, I now totally understand why little boys when first potty training squirt it all over the place, I mean it's really cool to be able to squirt stuff and see how far you can squirt it.

4. People actually pay to get something you produce for FREE! SO COOL!

5. I read that PETA was trying to get Ben and Jerry's to make icecream out of it and I thought gross but, then I thought I eat eggs out of a chickens hoo-hoo and drink milk from a dirty old cow teat, so what's the difference? Yeah I know, I still can't get over it either but, if Ben and Jerry's needs to hire people for it, I would be a great candidate and if you work at Ben and Jerry's you get like up to 3 pints of free icecream a day! Only cow milk icecream for me though.

6. Do you know how much creamer costs? It's like 3 something a bottle. I know it would be the perfect creamer. It's milky and sweet and good for you too. I know it goes back to point #2 & #5. I just can't do it.

7. You burn calories pumping the stuff. BURN CALORIES! Like 500 a day. You can't even get that from running on the treadmill and all you have to do is sit there. I lost 20 pounds doing it. Move over Dexatrim! I'm seriously considering never stopping! If only pumping were more convenient at work...

Ok, I'm going to switch off for a second to the topic of pumping at work. OMG, it is so inconvenient. I work at a navy yard and I have to park far away from my car so I can't really do it there. Plus, there is tons of security and I'm sure if I sat in my car with that thing loudly pumping someone would think I had a bomb or something. I can just see security surrounding my car and asking me to put my hands up and well you can just visualize the rest. So, there really is no convenient place to do it. I do it in the conference room with a sign up and people try and peek in because they are so curious! I don't really blame them because I'm nosy myself but, HONESTLY! Also, I have to eat lunch all by my lonesome while pumping every day. But, still the whole calorie burning thing and feeding my baby does make it worth it.

I guess that is all I got for now. I'm off to go burn some calories!