By God She's Got it! She's Really Got it!

I'm so excited. I have the proof!!! I've been wondering and nervous and questioning and today I know I've got it, I've really got it!

What do I have you ask? I have the most wonderful, crazy, beautiful, sometimes irrational thing ever!

GUYS, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHOCKED WHEN I TELL YOU THIS!

I TOTALLY HAVE IT, YES ME, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, I HAVE..................................................................................................................................................................................

Motherly Instinct! I really do! I'm so happy!

I just called Steven and little Stevie was happily babbling and screaming in the background and hearing him made me ache to hold him in my arms and kiss him all over his cheeks and neck and smell him and see his gummy smile. I almost felt sick, literally sick, my heart totally hurt, even writing this is kind of making me feel like crying, isn't that awesome?

I can't wait to go home and you know what else? I just realized, I'm totally a mother now! I'm like motherly and loving and kissy and stuff. I just can't get enough of him sometimes not all the time, but sometimes! I know so queer but, I'm happy and who cares right?

Shlanks, this is what you have to look forward to!

What a great day!

If Only I was a Lesbian!

Ok, I know Mimi, I have to finish my birthing story and I keep getting distracted. You have to keep on me. I know it's going to be so long because well I'm so long-winded and I keep putting it off and well, I'm putting it off AGAIN!

I promise I'll get back to it.

The other night Steven had his friends over for poker and Christina didn't have the girls for the night becuase they were sleeping over their cousins house and so she came along too with Matt.

So, we decided to party hardy. I bought lots of wine (of course) and lots of food (of course) and was ready to be bad with my big sis. Well, it's so sad ladies and gents but, I just don't have it like I used to. I used to be able to party like a rock star and drink with the best of them but, now three glasses of wine and I've got a buzz on but, for some reason I keep thinking I can party like I used to and then I have too much and no I don't get totally smashed, I just fall asleep! How boring am I?

Anyway, so it's about 6pm and I'm getting ready for everyone to come over and I pour myself a glass of wine to get in the mood and my sister comes and then the drinking really starts because she can drink A LOT! So, I have four glasses of wine and Little Stevie has fallen asleep and I decide that I'm going to put him to bed and then party like a rock star. Woo hoo!

I think you can see where this is going..YES, I fall asleep and I only wake up at midnight because Steven was shaking me in his drunkin state and handing me a sausage sub in bed. YES, in bed, GROSS! So, what do I do? Why, I eat it of course and it's disgusting. I didn't think you could screw up Sausage subs but, you can, honestly you really can.

So, I fall asleep after eating the gross sub and I wake up again and it's 1am and the baby is up. I realize I left his milk downstairs and I can't see because my eyes are all dried up from my contacts being stuck on my eyeball because I fell asleep with them in and I'm trying to pry them from my eye and it's like a suction cup. Don't you hate that? Anyway, I finally wake up and able to look around and I realize Steven isn't in bed yet. Is he still up? WOW! They are partying crazy like. Wait a minute? Steven isn't in bed with me but, someone else is. Who is that lump in my bed? Oh, it's my sister, Christina. SMART GIRL! She got into bed with me before Steven did. hehehe.

Anyway, I go downstairs and all the lights in the house are on and the TV and radio are blaring. Cards and beers are all over the table and sausauge subs are hanging all over the stove! Remember that movie, "Sixteen Candles" when the pizza is going around the record player as if it were the record? That's what my house looked like! JEEZUS!

It looks like they were playing cards and drinking and eating and then just passed out or something and well, that is exactly what happened! I look in the living room and Steven and Matt are passed out on the pull out couch with no blankets, fully clothed. Jeremy is passed out on the chair, no blankets. They are snoring away like crazy all in different order and it's so loud. I turn everything off and leave everything else including Steven where it is.

So, I get the milk and proceed back upstairs and I realize the baby hasn't started crying while I'm doing all this. What the heck? I go back upstairs and there is my sister, sleeping and giving the baby a pacifier. So, I take his pacy out and give him a bottle and fall back asleep.

Ok, 3am, baby wakes up again. This time Christina has him in her arms before me and is rocking him back to sleep. This is friggin great! What help! So, I go to get his bottle ready when suddenly I notice there is a loud snoring noise coming from the hall. What the hell? So, I feed the baby and then go out to the hall to check out what is going on. Somewhere between 1am and 3am Steven got up and then passed out on the floor in the upstairs hallway. I'm not quite sure what happened there but, again I leave him where he is.

5am, baby wakes up again. This time I make it first before Christina and start givig him a bottle. However a few seconds later, I look over and Christina is asleep with a fake bottle in her hand, feeding the baby. She was literally in the same position I was! It was hilarious. Steven is still sleeping on the floor and yes I still leave him there.

7am, baby wakes up for morning. I wake up and bring him downstairs so as not to wake Christina. Yes, Steven is still sleeping in the hall and I try to crawl over him to get downstairs with the baby which I manage, barely.

Now, I have to pump bad. You know how it feels. Like rocks in my boobs. So, I put the baby down in his activity gym and go to pump. Wait a minute! Something is wrong here! My pump isn't working. Oh no! The guys passed out and left the dogs downstairs with free rein to the house and they ate a critical part to my breast pump, the tiny white valve. It won't work without it! AHH!! Seriously people!

So, anyway that is another story but, let's just say. Why the hell do they not sell breast pump parts in the store AND why do you have to order them from the manufacturer directly AND why don't they make a nice cheaper pump to buy in the meantime? Can you say "manually pumping sucks big donkey balls??"

Ok, back to my story. So, Steven wakes up in the morning and I ask him what the heck was he doing sleeping in the hall and he says Matt woke him up and kicked him out because he was rubbing his back in his sleep. SO FRIGGIN FUNNY! and when he got up he started puking so he decided that sleeping on the hall was closer to the bathroom and I'm thinking, five steps more to the bed was too much? Ok, whatever!

My sister wakes up and I say to her, "Thank you so much for all your help last night!" It was awesome and she turns to me and says "what help?" I explain what she did and she say "I don't even remember doing it. It must be innate from having the girls or something." and I think to myself, oh why oh why couldn't I have been a lesbian?

What Happened to Ian's Creations??

That's all I have to say about that.

OHHHH It Happened Again!

Ok, remember when I was telling you about those female dogs in my office? Well, it just happened again.

I was helping training biatch last week with some of her bounceback e-mails and I was actually enjoying have a break from my normal day.

THEN, today in the meeting my boss asked her how her bouncebacks were going and she says "Oh really good. I (YES I!) got a lot done. I did like 143 bouncebacks (again I)" and she looks right at me and doesn't say a thing. Like, "some of those bouncebacks were researched and taken care of by Amy" OR "thanks Amy for helping." NOTHING! That BIG BIATCH took all the credit and didn't say a thing on how I helped her.

I'm not helping her again! That's it!

OH GOD! You know I will if she asks me!!!!!! What is wrong with me?

Could it Get Any Worse?

When I say could it get any worse? I am referring to my luck! So, here is what happened last night.

Picture it, Amy and Steven have a lovely dinner at the Carleton household, lots of laughter, fun and even singing! Which is pretty typical at the Carleton household. If you can believe it, I am the least outgoing of my family which makes for a pretty wild time.

Anywho, Steven and I get into the car at about 9pm last night. I did have a couple glasses of wine before dinner so I had to wait a bit before driving. Although, I enjoy my wine, I am very careful about driving especially with the baby. I had to mention that just in case, especially for nannie. I know how she worries about these things. So Nannie, I was very careful.

Ok, so I leave the house and I'm really not the best driver. I finally after driving for 15 years, will admit this. Hesitantly, but, ok I admit I really can't back up well. I don't understand how to use my mirrors. I've backed into many things in my lifetime including my friend's brother's BMW (drove away quickly), a fence (knocked it over and drove away quickly), snow banks (way too many times to count). I have yet to back into any people, so I guess it could be worse, right?

I digress as usual, so Steven was helping me back up guiding me along the way. Ok, more like "watch out for your dad's truck!" "Turn your wheel, no way more than that!" and "Watch out for your mom's car!" Well, two seconds later, I hear a smash. OH GOD! What did I hit now? I think to myself. Umm...Matt's truck. Yep, I hit Matt's truck and smashed a hole in my bumper. I KNOW, I KNOW for anyone who has been reading my blogs, I just GOT this FRIGGIN CAR! I have only made one payment on it!! So, now I not only have a million dents in my hood and fender (NOT MY FAULT I would like to point out). I also have a hole in my bumper and it's not like I can say ice fell on my hood and then flew up in the air and smashed my bumper, can I?

Anyway, you think that is the end of my night? OH NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE! We drive home and I'm so upset that I've made further damaged to my very beautiful, well at least it was 6 weeks ago when we bought it, car. I pull around the corner by our house and notice a police car is following us. Now, THIS is why I mentioned the wine. For any of us who have driven after a couple glasses of wine, you know the panic you feel when you see a cop following you. Now, I was not drunk or over the limit at all (I swear Nannie) but, you still freak out. So, my heart is pounding and I turn the corner to our road and he is STILL behind us. I'm like, oh god, oh god. I pull into our driveway and oh yes, that cop pulls in behind me. I get out of the car and I feel like puking. He says "I just want to let you know that your tail light is out, but have a good night." PHEW!

So, do you think that is the end of my story? The end of my night? NOPE! We get into the house and it is freezing cold in there. Steven looks at the heaters and they are out. YES, you guessed it, we are out of propane and it's now 10pm and you all know Steven work for Proulx, Oil and freakin PROPANE and this is a really shameful thing to do if you work there. So, Steven opts to have us load the woodstove every 3 hours through the night in conjunction with waking up with the baby. It was wonderful by the way! Then, what do I do? I jump in the shower this morning and AHH!! It's freezing. Oh crap, I forgot we were out of propane! So, as I said, could it get any worse?

Why Do Some Women Have to be SUCH BIG Female Dogs?

Ok, I know I'm digressing from my devil baby birth but, I promise I will get back to it. I just wanted to share because I'm kind of pissed right now.

So, I'm not a bad person really, I mean I gossip too much and yes we all know I can be OTT (over the top) sometimes but, I try to be friendly and kind most of the time and I'm just sensitive enough that I can't stand it when someone doesn't like me and it drive me nuts. I keep being like "ok, well screw them I can't make them like me" and then the next second I'm kissing their butts and being so disgustingly sweet I actually hate myself. It's just revolting.

So, here is the deal. I started a new job as some of you know and there are a few women that from the beginning have given me the cold shoulder and I just couldn't figure it out.

So, it all started on my first day really. I know my first day! Seriously people! Like being laid off when you just had a baby, having to find a new job, leaving your baby to go back to work, isn't tough enough, I have to deal with these biatches. Anyway, first the girl that showed me around, the HR girl was far from friendly and then the girl who was training me was talking so fast and being so nasty that I couldn't even understand what she was saying. I'm like, what the hell? To top it off, the IT lady who was getting me set up on my computer was nasty too! I just wanted to run and cry. I'm really not good with mean people. My sister is great. She will tell someone off in a second or just beat the crap out of them. She doesn't back down at all. I wish I was more like that. Ok sooo, I had to figure out where to pump and I didn't know who to ask and well I didn't really have many options so I picked the mean HR girl because she was in HR and I figured she might know about that stuff and when I asked her. She was like "What?" "I don't know what you are going to do about that!" and so I'm like "there has got to be other people that have babies and have to pump" and she says "I don't know of any" So, she's like "well how long are you going to have to do it?" like I'm a big inconvenience and I'm thinking oh god I am so out of here meaning they are going to fire me. I'm like "I don't know, like at least until my baby is six months is my plan" so she says all annoyed "WELL, how OFTEN are you going to have to do it?" I'm like "well once a day should do and I'll do it during my lunch break" I'm now turning red because I'm embarassed and kind of ticked off and I know it's against the law if they won't accomodate me and I feel like saying that but, of course I don't. SO, I guess she wasn't the best person to ask!!

So, back to the training girl. SO, I get her talking by asking her about herself and I know you are thinking, why are you making the effort Amy, right? I can't help myself! I'm nuts or something! So, we kind of bond a bit and talk some girl talk and I'm like ok, she's warming up to me. Cool! Well, during our girl talk she says "The hard thing is, and not that I hold it against you (and you KNOW anytime a person says that they SO DO hold it against you) but, I wanted your job and I didn't get. OH friggin great AND she's training me. Do I trust she is going to tell me the right things? ummmm...hell NO! So, anyway, we do bond a bit and she got out the secret and I think maybe she likes me now. Um, no she doesn't, still doesn't. She gives me dirty looks and stuff. She was in the hospital sick and I wrote her an e-mail saying I hope she was ok and to let me know if she needed anything and blah blah blah (I know I am so revolting) and she didn't even respond. She didn't even say thanks for the e-mail when she got back. Didn't even mention it. Every once in a while she is nice to me but, I think it is by accident or something.

So, that's the HR and the training girl. What about the IT lady? She is really mean to me too and she is probably the most bitchy of them all. But, you know what just happened? I walked into the break room and IT biatch is talking to training biatch and they are all smiling and happy and nicey nice and I'm thinking I really hate them! They don't even acknowledge my presence in this tiny break room and I just get my water and I'm like "screw them, if they want to be mean, I'll be mean right back. I'll give them a taste of their own medicine!" and then I go to leave and they look at me as I pass them with their bitchy faces on and what do I do??? What do I do?? I give them a big nicey nice smile. What is my freaking problem? All I can say is, I have issues.

The Miracle of Birth

So, Mimi..ask and you shall receive. Although, me telling this story might have to be continued because I think this may be a long one. Oh, BTW, Mimi I just got what you meant by Steven crawling down the hole and you are friggin hilarious!!! I love it.

Anyway, so let me start from the beginning, of the delivery I mean. Towards the end of my pregnancy I got really huge. Like HUGE! I started to get nervous that maybe Papa's wish had come true and I really WAS carrying twins. I was envisioning one baby hiding behind the other during the ultrasound and everything. I know, ridiculous but, I just was so huge. I went to the docs and confirmed. At 26 weeks prego, I was measuring like I was 30, so I went in for an ultrasound.

I was really excited to get another ultrasound but, also really freaked out that maybe there were TWINS in there and well, I was nervous about my motherly instincts to begin with let alone having two infants. I don't even like babies! I still don't actually but, I love little Stevie. It's true, it's different when it's your own or translate to Amy language, you can't back out at that point and well you have no friggin choice do you? Then, after a couple months,they grow on you and all.

Anyway, back to the delivery info. SO, I get my ultrasound and I'm envisioning 2 babies or 11 pounds of big honking baby in there and what do I see? It was scary, it was really friggin scary. I was having Rosemary's baby! SERIOUSLY, the ultra sound lady is scanning over the baby and she is like oh "look it's an eye and she prints it out" I'm like "OMG, that is not a human eye, that thing is the devil!" I envisioned that seen in Rosemary's baby when she sees her baby and they show his eyes and they are all evil looking and scary and that is EXACTLY what this ultrasound picture looks like. I wish I could scan it and show it to you to prove it but, I don't have a scanner. BUT, I did show it to my family and they agreed. I was either having Rosemary's baby or a Cyclops! No lie! So, now I'm freaked out of course and I'm thinking oh no, I'm having an ugly baby. Like in that episode of Seinfeld when their friends baby is really ugly and they keep saying "What a baby!" That is what I thought was going to happen to me.

Anyway, after the ultrasound it was determined that everything was normal (yeah right, Rosemary!) and I could continue with the pregnancy as planned until the devil baby was born. Ok, gotta stop here. Steven is complaining that I'm not spending any time with him and I'm hanging out on the computer, jerk! Ok, I told you this would be a To be continued so......

To Wipe or Not to Wipe, that is the Question..

So, last night I went out with my friend and former co-worker, Robin and had such a good time. We shared a couple appetizers and drank lots of wine it was great and you know what? My husband was awesome!! He took care of the baby, didn't complain when I came home buzzed and started drinking more wine, made me dinner AND didn't get mad when I waited until I finished my wine to eat. Now that is seriously awesome. Anyway, I just wanted to say how awesome he is!

Ok, so here is my question of the day to the lovely ladies out there. I've been wondering this for a while and I figure what better way to get answers than to share it on my blog.

Now, I was talking to a friend a few months ago and she said she would NEVER wipe her ghine when she gets out of the shower with a towel because think of the bacteria that could be on the towel and then you wipe it on your ghine and you end up with some nasty infection. She said she just lets it air dry. Now, I'm thinking to myself, OH GOD, I always wipe otherwise, I would feel all water logged and stuff. Plus, what if you had leftover soap or something up there, wouldn't that be worse? But, then I began wondering if I was the only one who wiped their gine, just to clarify, I'm talking a quick but efficient swipe inside the gine not just outside. So, anyway ladies, what's the consensus? To Wipe or Not to Wipe, that is the question????

BTW, Cammie, sorry about the throbbing manhood. You can commiserate with Molanki, she has really had to hear alot of stuff you never want to hear about your brother. But, does that ever stop me?? Of course not!

Like a Virgin Touched for the Very Last Time

Ok, so Michelle said I should write about this and I have been nervous about this subject. I know, me, nervous about writing about anything is a shock for you guys but, I'm putting this out there and if it's too much (like any of my other posts haven't been too much?) you can blame my dear old sister-in-law and BFF Molanki!

Ok, so I guess I never thought about what could happen during childbirth, really what I mean is what could happen after childbirth. I think I was totally in shock about the fact that I had to go through 17 hours of labor and then have like a month of pain afterward, well actually more like 4 months of pain afterward, but I will explain later. After I had the baby, I sat in the shower for like 2 hours, I seriously think I had PTSD. I couldn't believe what had happened to me!! Ok, I digress, back to the subject at hand.

Remember back to the time when losing your virginity held such magic? You wondered who it would be with? You kind of realistically knew there wouldn't be fireworks but, you still sort of hoped for it. You read the romance novels with the savages and ravishing the red head beauty and you invisioned, even though you were no where near like the character in the novel, that it was you. That it was you lying there in the full moon with your white alabaster breast heaving in the tee-pee shaking with anticipation and your lover comes with his throbbing manhood and....well you know how it goes.

Then, reality hits, there is no tee-pee and his strong hands don't caress your body. It's mostly fumbling and awkward and "OW! What the hell?" That is not what I expected at all. Anyway, girls, I got to experience it twice. Much to the delight of my husband and horror to myself.

Let's just say, I received many stitches after the baby was born and as I healed something didn't feel quite right. The hole was there and all but, before there was no skin. Now, the skin was there before the end of things. When I first felt it I thought, oh I'm just healing from everything but, as time went on, things still weren't hey ho, hey ho. I went to the docs and they said everything was fine. They actually said "after birth some women have it easy and some women don't" and with a smile she said "I guess you won't have it easy but keep working at it." I wanted to take that speculum she was clicking in my hoo=hoo and stick it down her m)*&&^ F877ing throat!!!!

Anyway, I tried to be all I could be, I climbed every mountain, I really tried. I tried as in, lubs (which I'm allergic to by the way, not cool), visualization, relaxation. It was horrible. It was like I was a virgin again but, worse because this was skin not meant to rip. My husband was very patient but, well he's a man and every once in a while, bit off a little more than I could chew let's say.

But, everyone, FINALLY four months later. I've had success. I've done it and no it's not like my apache man has come to ravish me but, I'm back to normal. Kind of but really close to normal. I really hate that doctor who sewed me up and you know what? She was pregnant too and I can't help but hope it was her first and she ripped and someone sewed her up too! Ok, sorry but it's true, I'm not going to mince words. Do I ever? Ok, so I had success, woo hooo! Back to the grab my boob, kiss me and think I'm ready fun. Oh damn! Maybe I should have plead the fifth after all!

Can You Spare a Square?

Today I would like to talk about the real hassle of toilet paper, yes toilet paper not that I don't want to wipe or anything but, REALLY it can be such a hassle. Here a few things that I would like to say about toilet paper and wiping in general.

-I hate when you sit down and go poop and then realize there is no toilet paper, you look around for anything tissues, napkin anything. I'm not going to lie, here is the gods honest truth, this happened to me recently and I was home alone for once and I went through the trash and found an old breast pad and wiped my butt with it. I had to! It was actually quite pleasant all soft and absorbent.

-Ever go into a public restroom with those economy size roles in the big plastic thing and you can't get the toilet paper to come off the role? You keep rolling and rolling and it won't come off. Round and round and round and you can't reach your hand up there to take it off the thing so you just have to keep going around until it comes off. Plus, sometimes that plastic thing that goes across is sharp and hurts your hand! This just happened to me and I was so annoyed that it motivated me to write this blog today.

-Don't you hate when you just can't seem to get the poo off your bum. You wipe and wipe and wipe and suddenly your butt is bleeding and sore and you still have poo on the toilet paper. Come on! We all look to see what's on that paper!

-What about when you don't wipe enough? You're in a rush, you're somewhere gross and can't wait to get out of there so you wipe so quickly that there are still some remnants and it starts to feel uncomfortable and stingy and you know EXACTLY what it is and you know when you look at your under wear the next time there will be a little remnant of what you didn't take care of.

-What about when you roll the toilet paper and it comes off the role like amazing quickly and scatters all over the floor and all you really want to do is gather that stuff up and flush it but, you can't because not only will it clog the toilet but, it's a waste of paper so you take the time and annoyingly wrap it back onto the roll and then you have this big round mound sticking on your roll which won't roll around!

-What about when you have remnants on your hoo-hoo and it balls up and sticks to the hair and you have to yank it off and yowsah, that hurts! Or even worse, you go to have a romantic night with your significant other and they are like, YUCK! You got TP on your hoo hoo!

One more before I go, don't you hate when you are wiping and toilet paper rips and you get poop on your finger! That is by far the grossest I think. No one wants poop on their finger unless they are like 2 and then they can't get enough poop on their finger!

"Spaghetti and Meat Bulbs"

Remember "The Family Circus" cartoon. I loved those cartoons and also I had the book which was called "Spaghetti and Meat Bulbs" and had tons of the cartoons in it and was so funny. I was thinking today that I can't wait until Little Stevie is old enough to talk and say funny things. So, I thought I would share a few things that my neices and nephews have said over the years that are just so funny to me.

I'll start off with a quote from Ian that I find hilarious! Ian said to his teacher on his first day of school after walking up and down checking out the different activities going on...

"Seriously, there is NOTHING to do here!"

My nephew Michael was walking through the store with his mom when he began staring at a quite unattractive woman. Nikki tried to pull him away but, before she could his little mouth opened and yelled...

"Lady, you are UGLY!"

One time I was sitting in one of those sun chairs with the the plastic strips in the back and Payden my neice said...

"Cool! Makayla come look! Aunty's fat is squishing out of the holes in the back of this chair, see!" and she began poking and pinching the fat coming through to further demonstrate!

Another quote from Payden. We always say grace on holidays and my dad always starts off with "Thank you Dear Lord." Well one year Payden decided she wanted to say grace so she put her little hands together and bowed her head and said "Thank you dear Lo.." At this point she stopped and thought then shook her head as if she remembered now. She opened her mouth again and said...

"Thank you Dear Lock..."

Yet another quote from Payden, a recent one. When little Stevie was born we were trying to think of what to call him as he is a junior. Once we came up with Little Stevie Payden said..

"We'll call him Little Stevie now but, when he grows up and gets big we'll call him UNCLE Steven."

Ok, it wouldn't be me if I didn't add a few, just over the line one's so here they are. Just a warning to any sensitive readers!

After I had the baby, I stayed at my parents for a couple of days while everyone cleaned and finished the addition in the house which was so awesome. Anyway, I had to go to the bathroom and I had a seperate trash bag for all my, let's say, panty materials (see my other blog about post pardum periods for further information) Well, my neice Makayla had to go after me and I had forgotten to take my trash out. She came out all horrified and wispered to her mother her eyes all wide...

"I went into the bathroom after Aunty and she left her garbage bag in there and I looked in and it was all BLOOD and stuff! It even smelled really yucky!"

Here is a real old one from when I was a kid. I used to sleep over my neighbor/friend Chris's house with Harris and myself. One night, the two boys were trying to figure out what Maxi-pads were for because Chris had found some under the sink. Chris said "I think it has something to do with blood because I saw my mom have one on her underwear once and I think it had blood on it." Harris said "No Chris, don't be dumb! It is to hold in all the hair down there!"

I'll finish with one final risque one. My nephew Brandon was playing with his "you know what" one day in the living room. Now, his mother trying to be political and open explained that he could do those things in his room with the door shut in private but, not out in the living room or in public. Brandon shrugged and turned to his brother Michael who was playing a video game and said..

"Hey Michael, you want to go in our room and play with our penises?" Michael, not even looking up from his video game and continuing to play said in response, "Nah."

Thank You!

I just want to say thank you so much to Cam and Mimi for being my first comments!

It is very exciting to get comments I have to say. Now, Michelle, you slack butt, you better start commenting! How am I supposed to get discovered if I don't have any comments? I mean we already established I'm not going to get discovered by singing, tap dancing (oh god seriously, remember our instructor.."is that real tap dancing?", acting, skiing, snowboarding (as if skiing wasn't a disaster I had to try something even harder), saxophone (I could barely play my 5 note solo senior year after 12 years of playing), piano, basketball, volleyball, horse-back riding (if only I didn't pee every time I tried and pulled on the reins a little harder so my horse wouldn't wander off into the woods while I smack my head on low hanging branches), fishing, cooking, anything crafty, pictures (I once took 100 photos of a single rose picturing those pictures with the morning dew on the beautiful red rose and they were all blurry or had my finger in them), modeling (although I have to say I ROCK the "America's Next Top Model" runway walk, right everyone?) and any other hobby or talent I have attempted and thought, maybe I'll be a natural and get discovered! So, again, people including my BFF and prego sister-in-law you just have to comment so I can get discovered!

Shaking Booby Syndrome

Ok, so this story happened a while ago but, I forgot about it until today and I wanted to put it on my blog because I think it is hilarious!

Ok, so anyway, I think we have established the fact that Steven is AWFUL at night and never wakes up so this is a little tid bit to show you what I mean.

A couple months ago, I was sleeping, yes actually sleeping for once when all of the sudden I was awoken by a very odd sensation. My husband had a hold of my boob and was shaking it up and down quite vigirously. I'm thinking to myself "What the???" when all of the sudden it starts getting weirder. He starts feeling my nipple and not in a pleasant way and pinching and twisting it. I'm like "ok, first of all if this is some new tantric method he heard about, it's not working" and second of all "you jerk, I'm sleeping for once and you think you are going to get some action?" Well, this shaking and pinching continues for a few more seconds and I've had enough. I smack his hand away and elbow him hard and say "CUT IT OUT!" A statement he is not unused to. He groggily says "What?" I say again "CUT IT OUT, What the hell?" So, he stops and all is quiet for a few minutes until I hear him start busting out laughing, like gut wrenching laughter and I'm annoyed at first. "What is it now?" I say to him. He says, "I can't believe what just happened. I had a dream that the baby was crying and I was rocking him to sleep when suddenly his belly button felt really weird, I touched it and it started growing and changing shape so I started feeling it some more, pinching it and moving it around because I was really freaked out that maybe it never healed right and it was coming out and his stomach and guts might come out and stuff. All the sudden you woke me up and you were yelling at me to stop shaking your boob and pinching your nipple!! Even in my exhausted state this was hilarious. We both started laughing so hard for like 10 minutes I was literally crying! I'm going to call it "Shaking Booby Syndrome." :)

The Fascinating World of Breastmilk

Ok, first I would like to start off by saying, Greg if you are reading this, stop because it is a subject you don't like to talk about. Ok, so back to the topic at hand. Breastmilk. I'm fascinated by it, by the production of it, by the whole topic of it. It's been four months since I started pumping and it still fascinates me. What is it that fascinates me you ask? Well, of course it's me and I'm going to tell you in great detail.

1. the most normal of the things, it fascinates me that I can produce food, actual food, that has made my baby grow and gain weight. He has gone from 8 to almost 14 pounds, living off something that comes from my boob. Crazy! I could actually make kinds of food, cheese, icecream and yogurt. I know gross, nevermind.

2. I can't believe it comes out of my boob and has many holes, who knew! I like to count when I am pumping. I have determined that my left boob contains 10 holes and my right contains 8 which is weird because my right boob pumps the most milk. Amazing!

3. You can squirt breast milk out of your boob really far! I became a little obsessed with this for a while, squirting at Steven and at objects like a target. Then, I had to limit it to the shower because, well it's milk and gets sour and stinky. Woops! Should have thought of that before. But, I now totally understand why little boys when first potty training squirt it all over the place, I mean it's really cool to be able to squirt stuff and see how far you can squirt it.

4. People actually pay to get something you produce for FREE! SO COOL!

5. I read that PETA was trying to get Ben and Jerry's to make icecream out of it and I thought gross but, then I thought I eat eggs out of a chickens hoo-hoo and drink milk from a dirty old cow teat, so what's the difference? Yeah I know, I still can't get over it either but, if Ben and Jerry's needs to hire people for it, I would be a great candidate and if you work at Ben and Jerry's you get like up to 3 pints of free icecream a day! Only cow milk icecream for me though.

6. Do you know how much creamer costs? It's like 3 something a bottle. I know it would be the perfect creamer. It's milky and sweet and good for you too. I know it goes back to point #2 & #5. I just can't do it.

7. You burn calories pumping the stuff. BURN CALORIES! Like 500 a day. You can't even get that from running on the treadmill and all you have to do is sit there. I lost 20 pounds doing it. Move over Dexatrim! I'm seriously considering never stopping! If only pumping were more convenient at work...

Ok, I'm going to switch off for a second to the topic of pumping at work. OMG, it is so inconvenient. I work at a navy yard and I have to park far away from my car so I can't really do it there. Plus, there is tons of security and I'm sure if I sat in my car with that thing loudly pumping someone would think I had a bomb or something. I can just see security surrounding my car and asking me to put my hands up and well you can just visualize the rest. So, there really is no convenient place to do it. I do it in the conference room with a sign up and people try and peek in because they are so curious! I don't really blame them because I'm nosy myself but, HONESTLY! Also, I have to eat lunch all by my lonesome while pumping every day. But, still the whole calorie burning thing and feeding my baby does make it worth it.

I guess that is all I got for now. I'm off to go burn some calories!