The Miracle of Birth, Part II

First before I begin the rest of my labor story, I want to say thank you to everyone for my response to my last blog. I have to say Irene the "oh it's just me pooping" really made me laugh so hard. I love having you guys to commiserate with me.



Ok, so by popular demand I have decided to continue with my Miracle of Birth story. I may hav e to keep doing additions now and then because there is just so much to cover!



Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, I was having Rosemary's baby. So, I was scared I was having Satan's Spawn but, at least it distracted me from my other fear, the pain, oh the pain!



So, on September 3 around 6am, I lay in bed not sleeping as usual because let's face it, how can you sleep when you are that huge? There is a reason god put whales in the water that is all I have to say.



So, 6am, I suddenly feel this warm water gushing from between my legs and I think "my god, I knew that you got bladder problems when pregnant but, this is ridiculous" then it hit me! Oh! Here it comes, here it really comes. I mean I know I was as huge as a house and felt the baby jabbing me in my ribs constantly but, I guess part of me thought that it wouldn't really happen, that I would just wake up and not be pregnant or something. So, the water keeps coming and coming and I'm like "holy crap, this is like niagra!"



I wake Steven up and tell him my water broke and he is surprisingly calm. I thought he would freak out but, he just looked at the bed and all the water and was like "Gross!"



So, I feel fine. No cramps, no nothing. Maybe I will be like one of those women who feel no pain I think to myself. Like those women working in the fields and having babies. Yahoo!



Well 1/2 hour later, I knew that I was most certainly NOT one of those women as cramps started hitting me!



So, we drive to the hospital and I call everyone to let them know I was in labor and I was acting excited but, really I am terrifed. Oh, I forgot one really important part. So, water is coming out of me like niagra and I'm like "how am I going to get to the hospital with all this water coming out so I grab like three towels and shove them in between my legs because well let's face it, three towels can't squeeze into your underwear unless they are those stretchy underwear they give you in the hospital which are like glad trashbags for underwear, they just keep stretching!" Anyway, I'll get back to that later, so I shove those towels in between my legs and am hobbling out the door, like I wasn't waddling enough already right?

I'm thinking to myself. How come they never show the women with big towels shoved in their crotches in the movies or anything.

So, we drive to the hospital and I'm literally shaking all over, I really scared and stuff but, I'm trying to remain calm.

We get to the hospital and I'm like, this is it, this is it! I expect them to wheel me in and get me to my room right away and I'm heaving and sweaty and stuff but, this is definitely not how it happens.

I walk, yes walk, what the hell can't I at least get the wheelchair and I'll fake the huffing and puffing stuff for attention. I like that!

Anyway, I walk or more like waddle up to the 2nd floor and I get to the front desk and they are like "yes?" and I'm like "hello, can't you see I'm important, having a baby here lady." But, they are just like "have a seat we'll get you checked in a moment" Like I can sit with all those towels in between my legs. So, we wait and it was pretty quick but, not anything like the movies.

I get into the room and the nurses aren't there yet. I'm like "what do I do?" Should I get on the bed and put my feet in the stirrups? Should I start my breathing? Well, I think, I might as well get these wet towels out of my crotch. So, I take them and Steven is like "throw them in the trash, yuck!" So, I do and I sit down and in comes the nurse and now I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable but, not like I can't smile and be polite and I think "this isn't so bad, I'm doing ok, I know it gets worse but, I'm ok" So, the nurse says "Are you sure your water broke" and I'm like "Umm..Does a bear ....?" You know how it goes. So she is like, where are the things you had in between your crotch? and no she doesn't say crotch but, it's more interesting that way. So, I say "I threw them out" and she's like "why would you do that?" I'm like "where else would gross water which is really pee go?" Anyway, she fishes them out of the trash and I can tell she's annoyed but, oh well, how was I supposed to know? She looks at the three wet towels and her eyes go big and she's like "wow, that is a lot of water and your mucus plug too!" Hey, I wanted to see what that looked like! But, oh well, I don't much care right now because I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. BUT, then I panic, I remember very definitely what that means. It's like the tub, you pull the plug and out it comes. OH GOD! I really have to do this!

Ok, gotta go, more later....

I AM GRUMPY!

I am soo grumpy today. I think it doesn't help that the baby woke up every hour, seriously, last night and now I feel sick. I have a headache, sore throat and my body just aches. I'm really feeling sorry for myself and I told the programmer guys that sit around me and they were like "You'll be fine." NOT the response I was looking for. I wanted pure sympathy and cooing and stuff. What do I expect? They are programmers and men after all. I'm lucky they talk to me.

Then to top it off, I really hate hate hate Training Biatch! I shouldn't say that but, today I do. I want to take her and slam her against the wall and shake her (remember Spring Break Michelle?) That is what I want to do to her. I know, I know, how violent right? Well I don't care, I do!

SIDE NOTE: Spring Break from UNH I had it out with Michelle's friend, woops! She deserved it. She did! Even ask Michelle! Those girls were really nasty to us. It takes me a lot to get that PO'd. This is the funny part, Get this, after Spring Break I saw her boyfriend on campus and he gave me the finger when driving by in his jeep (OMG, I am totally laughing out loud thinking about it). The couple I'm referring to ended up getting married and she continued being Michelle's GF (still is) and we had to be in Michelle's wedding together!! Can you say, awkward? It was actually better than I thought thank god! Hmmm...I hope she doesn't read this blog. Oh well! Let bygones be bygones, right?

Anyway, that big fat biatch (she's actually really skinny but doesn't big fat biatch sound better)? She and her pals always play cards at lunch time now, remember my story about asking that HR biatch about pumping at work and how embarassing it was and all that? Well, training biatch works with her and training biatch specifically posted a schedule that I have the conference room from 11:30-12:00 every day, not embarassing or anything!

Well, there is a big conference room that they normally all play cards in and have lunch. Today it was taken up by a meeting. So, what does that big fat biatch do? She and her pals take the room and shut the door that I PUMP IN during the TIME that I PUMP. Plus, I had a class later on so I had to pump in the yucky bathroom and answer the questions from others wandering in "what is that noise?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Do you hear that?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Is someone in that stall?" "It's me pumping, sorry!"

I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!

She's going to die! I just have to think of a plan for that big selfish piece of crapola. Any suggestions? I'm thinking something with Ex-Lax or eye drops in her drink. Then, she can be stuck in the bathroom pooping herself! Mwaahahahahaha (that was supposed to be a dracula laugh in case you didn't know).

Ok, done venting. I really AM grumpy!

Have a good night everyone! :)