This weekend was a wild, crazy chaotic fun time. We had Makayla, Ian and Payden for the weekend and it was such a good but, loud and crazy time. Put it this way, we had four dogs (3 of our own and Milo), 4 kids (1 one of our own and 3 not), 2 cats, Steven and myself in a 1700 square foot home. It was a zoo literally! I could have sold tickets to the weekends events. Let's focus on Saturday afternoon.
The kids arrived around 12pm on Saturday. They were very excited to come because we were going roller-skating. Did you ever think when you were a kid roller-skating would be something that kids didn't even know what it was? So weird! I think back to my days at Happy Wheels. Birthday parties in the side room and going off to skate to the happening music, dark lights and the flashing disco ball in the middle. It was like a middle school dance but, better because there were boys you didn't know your whole life there AND you were rolling skating. I could never roller skate backwards so I always had to hold hands and roller skate with a good skater so they could go backward. Oh, the days at Happy Wheels! Talking with the girls in the bathroom about boys, sweaty hand-holding fun! Anyway, I digress as usual.
So, we drive to Happy Wheels and on the way there, the kids are talking. First, the girls were asking what roller skates looked like. I told them the one's that used to be there were an ugly brown color with orange wheels. The girls both said in unison "Eww!" While Ian said "Cool, I hope I get the ugliest pair!" "Why would you want the ugliest pair Ian?" I replied. Ian says "because if I have an ugly pair no girls will like me and want to marry me. I'm not marrying a girl!" I said prompting him on "Are you going to marry a boy?" he said "Yes, I'm marrying Milo!" So funny.
However, 10 minutes later I hear them chatting in the back and Ian turns to Makayla and says in his goofy voice we know so well "Oooohh pretty...I want to kiss you!" I'm thinking to myself, yeah right he doesn't want a girl to like him! Makayla gives him one of her nasty looks just like her mom does and I can't help but surpress a giggle. I can tell though she's slightly intrigued so, I'm thinking, those kids are NOT spending ANY time alone!! Remember last time, Cammie and Christina?????
Well, Payden turns to Ian and says "Ian you can kiss ME if you want. Really! You can kiss me, like for real!" Oh god! Ian wasn't interested though, thank god!
A follow-up to Makayla's dirty look to Ian about the kiss. Later, she asked me where they were going to sleep and I said they could sleep downstairs on the fold out couch or upstairs in the baby's room on the floor. Makayla says, "I don't care. I just want to sleep wherever Ian is sleeping." I think we have a romance in the making. They sat next to each other all weekend. Sharing the recliner and everything. They were really cute.
So, we get to the roller-skating rink and Steven takes the kids out first while I stay with. It was so hilarious! The place looks EXACTLY the same. Same blue rug with swirls of color, same blue rink, same disco ball, everything. Even same brown roller-skates with orange wheels much to the dismay of Makayla and Payden. Ian was happy though. Steven takes the kids out and I laughed the whole time (all on video by the way). Ian was falling all over the place, Makayla and Payden were pushing themselves using the bar to hang on to for leverage. Steven was doing ok for not going in like 20 years.
When Steven gets back I'm dying to get out. I felt that old thrill and couldn't wait to get out there. I knew there would be no backwards skating holding hand action but, still I wanted to skate, feel the wind in my hair, see the disco ball. So, after Steven FINALLY relieved me to go, he was having too much fun too, I get my skates on and stand up and realize, this is definitely not like riding a bike and the thrill is gone and basically, I really SUCK! I was never good but, now I'm really bad.
So, now is my turn. I can't even help the kids because I could barely stand. I'm falling all over the place hanging on the bar for my life. I fall and smash my face on the bar while YES, on camera and then the piece de resistance. I get to the end of the circle and realize the bar ends! I forgot that part and I'm forced to skate without the aid of the bar across the opening where people get in and out. I hung on to the end pretty desperately for a while little kids look up at me like "lady what is wrong with you?" I finally let go and I skate slowly over to Steven all the while he is video taping me and suddenly I lose my balance and I go down, HARD, face first 1/2 on the blue rink and 1/2 on the 40 year old blue carpet with my shirt riding up and my love handles hanging out. Oh the horror! Which half landed on the nasty carpet you ask? Of course, my face! Steven is laughing so hard and continuing to tape while I crawl over to him begging for him to help me and laughing so hard at myself and YES, it is all on tape. Steven kept playing it and rewinding and playing and rewinding all weekend! Pain in my butt!
So, after 45 minutes thekids not Steven (well Ian stopped after 5 minutes and sat eyeing the skee-ball and video games and in his words "dreaming about playing skee-ball." Think he wanted a quarter?), wanted to go and as we are pulling out of the parking lot, Payden turns and says "Can we go to Chuck E Cheese now?"
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
The Miracle of Birth IV
So, I have to move rooms. I'm already in active labor and because I want an epidural and I can't have the water birth, I have to move. Well, I don't care because I would do anything to get that relief.
So, I'm trying to gear up to walk across the hall but, everytime I begin to move it hurts so bad and another contraction is hitting me. Finally, I just start walking out and as I'm walking out I get a flash out of the corner of my eye. No, not a camera but, worse. Some people are waving at me and smiling. Uh, hello? I'm like dying here people and you are waving at me! Do I look like I want to wave at you? Do I look up for a wave, smile and a chatty chat, huh? huh? It was these people from my birthing class. Btw, this was the woman who said childbirth didn't hurt. So, obviously she is clinically insane and they are waving at me. I couldn't even wave back. I just looked at them and continued to make my way across the hall to my epidural! Later they went up to Steven and were like "We saw Amy and we are really concerned. Is she ok?" Of course I'm not ok, psycho lady! I'm in active labor!
So, I get across the hall and I really didn't know what I was saying. It's like when you drink WAY too much and can't remember the night before just bits and pieces. I wish I was drunk! But, Steven was more than happy to share later, of course. So, apparently, I would NOT stop talking about the epidural. They would ask me to do something and I would be like "If I do this, can I get my epidural?" or "Do you want your mom and sister to come in?" I'm like "if they come in, can I get my epidural?" It felt like it was taking forever and guess what, it was! No, seriously it really was. So, most people get the epidural when they are like 4 cm right, maybe 5? I got mine at 9 cm!!!! Yes, seriously 9 cm!!! Apparently the doctor was stuck in surgery and couldn't take two secs to stick a huge needle in my back and save me!
So, here is a part I find particularly funny. If it hadn't been for Steven, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. No, that's not the funny part. See, Steven started counting with me through the contractions and getting me to focus. I actually got a little out of the bad place.
BTW, don't EVER EVER EVER get any of the other drugs other than the epidural. They don't work and actually make things worse. Believe me, while I went from 4 to 9 cm, I had every cocktail they could make up. I'm sorry for those natural birthers out there, but I was willing to try anything! ANYTHING! All of which made me worse. Totally woozy and tired but, no relief from pain. I needed relief from pain not anti-anxiety meds nursy!
So, let's try this again, HERE is the funny part. During our birthing classes, we were watching this couple in labor and they were breathing together face to face and I turned to Steven and said "DON'T you dare do that to me!" Well, during my 4-9cm span, I was grabbing onto Steven's face and literally smooshing it into mine. It just made me feel better somehow! who knew? Michelle, you might want to try it. Worked for me!
So, finally my mom and sister couldn't take it anymore so they bust in. I guess they were like "Amy doesn't want us? What? We are her mom and sister? Are you sure you are talking about Amy?" They were so bummed. Well, as soon as they got in there, I did feel better and wished they had come in sooner. Next time, if there is a next time, ok there will be nanny don't worry. Next time, I want them in there from the beginning. Here is another thing Michelle, have those in the room that you want from the beginning because if you wait too long you won't be able to think straight and believe me, having your mom and sis is SO great. Women are good at this stuff. So, immediately, my mom and sister come in and grab my legs which were shaking so bad and uncontrollably. It was just what I needed. I don't know they knew but, they did and I felt more in control. I didn't realize the shaking was making me feel so much worse and they were encouraging me like "doing great, go go and stuff." It was perfect.
So, I'm at 9cm and the doc finally gets there and is like "you are almost ready to push, you sure you want the epidural" and I'm like "HELL YES!" You made me wait all this time promising me it was coming and I want it. I don't care if it's an hour of relief which by the way was what I got and it was the most wonderful, glorious hour in my life.
So, the epidural comes and it's like, life is there again. I can still feel my legs and stuff. You hear those horror stories and stuff so I was a little scared but, that doctor rocked! I had relief from the pain but, could still feel things that I needed to so it was actually really good, until the pushing started.
2 1/2 hours of pushing, whew! Actually looking back it wasn't the hardest part. My sister, mom and Steven were shouting me on and Steven was giving me water out of a big water bottle. I kind of felt like Rocky or something. da da da da da da da da da da (Rocky Theme song playing there). So, hear that music in your head as I give you the rest. Flying High Now! Flying High Now! I push and push and push and push. I sweat, I poop, I pee, I rip, I get a hematoma and I push and I'm climbing the stairs that are on fire just like my hoo hoo (oh the burn)up to the rocky statue and I made it! I made it! One little "get it out now!" and ok lots of screaming which I didn't even know I was doing and out comes the baby. They take him and put his warm and slimy body which wasn't gross at all. It was so cool and they say "It's a boy! and I secretly wanted a boy but of course said the polite bull-crap answer "as long as it's healthy" which is kind of true but, I did want a boy. He was so awesome and picked his head up and looked right at me and I was so amazed. It was love at first sight and just look at him now? He is awesome and still he gets up through the night and sometimes I can't stand him fussing but, he is so awesome. I love him sooo much and you know what. I'm not ready to do it again anytime real soon but, it was worth it. For him, I would do it again, twice maybe. Ok, maybe just once but, still that's true love!
So, I'm trying to gear up to walk across the hall but, everytime I begin to move it hurts so bad and another contraction is hitting me. Finally, I just start walking out and as I'm walking out I get a flash out of the corner of my eye. No, not a camera but, worse. Some people are waving at me and smiling. Uh, hello? I'm like dying here people and you are waving at me! Do I look like I want to wave at you? Do I look up for a wave, smile and a chatty chat, huh? huh? It was these people from my birthing class. Btw, this was the woman who said childbirth didn't hurt. So, obviously she is clinically insane and they are waving at me. I couldn't even wave back. I just looked at them and continued to make my way across the hall to my epidural! Later they went up to Steven and were like "We saw Amy and we are really concerned. Is she ok?" Of course I'm not ok, psycho lady! I'm in active labor!
So, I get across the hall and I really didn't know what I was saying. It's like when you drink WAY too much and can't remember the night before just bits and pieces. I wish I was drunk! But, Steven was more than happy to share later, of course. So, apparently, I would NOT stop talking about the epidural. They would ask me to do something and I would be like "If I do this, can I get my epidural?" or "Do you want your mom and sister to come in?" I'm like "if they come in, can I get my epidural?" It felt like it was taking forever and guess what, it was! No, seriously it really was. So, most people get the epidural when they are like 4 cm right, maybe 5? I got mine at 9 cm!!!! Yes, seriously 9 cm!!! Apparently the doctor was stuck in surgery and couldn't take two secs to stick a huge needle in my back and save me!
So, here is a part I find particularly funny. If it hadn't been for Steven, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. No, that's not the funny part. See, Steven started counting with me through the contractions and getting me to focus. I actually got a little out of the bad place.
BTW, don't EVER EVER EVER get any of the other drugs other than the epidural. They don't work and actually make things worse. Believe me, while I went from 4 to 9 cm, I had every cocktail they could make up. I'm sorry for those natural birthers out there, but I was willing to try anything! ANYTHING! All of which made me worse. Totally woozy and tired but, no relief from pain. I needed relief from pain not anti-anxiety meds nursy!
So, let's try this again, HERE is the funny part. During our birthing classes, we were watching this couple in labor and they were breathing together face to face and I turned to Steven and said "DON'T you dare do that to me!" Well, during my 4-9cm span, I was grabbing onto Steven's face and literally smooshing it into mine. It just made me feel better somehow! who knew? Michelle, you might want to try it. Worked for me!
So, finally my mom and sister couldn't take it anymore so they bust in. I guess they were like "Amy doesn't want us? What? We are her mom and sister? Are you sure you are talking about Amy?" They were so bummed. Well, as soon as they got in there, I did feel better and wished they had come in sooner. Next time, if there is a next time, ok there will be nanny don't worry. Next time, I want them in there from the beginning. Here is another thing Michelle, have those in the room that you want from the beginning because if you wait too long you won't be able to think straight and believe me, having your mom and sis is SO great. Women are good at this stuff. So, immediately, my mom and sister come in and grab my legs which were shaking so bad and uncontrollably. It was just what I needed. I don't know they knew but, they did and I felt more in control. I didn't realize the shaking was making me feel so much worse and they were encouraging me like "doing great, go go and stuff." It was perfect.
So, I'm at 9cm and the doc finally gets there and is like "you are almost ready to push, you sure you want the epidural" and I'm like "HELL YES!" You made me wait all this time promising me it was coming and I want it. I don't care if it's an hour of relief which by the way was what I got and it was the most wonderful, glorious hour in my life.
So, the epidural comes and it's like, life is there again. I can still feel my legs and stuff. You hear those horror stories and stuff so I was a little scared but, that doctor rocked! I had relief from the pain but, could still feel things that I needed to so it was actually really good, until the pushing started.
2 1/2 hours of pushing, whew! Actually looking back it wasn't the hardest part. My sister, mom and Steven were shouting me on and Steven was giving me water out of a big water bottle. I kind of felt like Rocky or something. da da da da da da da da da da (Rocky Theme song playing there). So, hear that music in your head as I give you the rest. Flying High Now! Flying High Now! I push and push and push and push. I sweat, I poop, I pee, I rip, I get a hematoma and I push and I'm climbing the stairs that are on fire just like my hoo hoo (oh the burn)up to the rocky statue and I made it! I made it! One little "get it out now!" and ok lots of screaming which I didn't even know I was doing and out comes the baby. They take him and put his warm and slimy body which wasn't gross at all. It was so cool and they say "It's a boy! and I secretly wanted a boy but of course said the polite bull-crap answer "as long as it's healthy" which is kind of true but, I did want a boy. He was so awesome and picked his head up and looked right at me and I was so amazed. It was love at first sight and just look at him now? He is awesome and still he gets up through the night and sometimes I can't stand him fussing but, he is so awesome. I love him sooo much and you know what. I'm not ready to do it again anytime real soon but, it was worth it. For him, I would do it again, twice maybe. Ok, maybe just once but, still that's true love!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Miracle of Birth Part III
I KNOW I've been totally slacking on my blogging and it's because I've been so busy at work which is cool but, don't they know I have a blog to write, GAWD! Anyway, back to the "Miracle of Birth!"
So, the mucus plug is out and my water or shall I say Niagra has starting coming out and honey it is definitely time.
So, the rest is kind of a blur after the beginning. The beginning wasn't so bad really. I walked around for a few hours and had some pretty bad cramps and then they turned worse and then it started feeling like a knife jabbing me in my uterus from the inside out and suddenly I wasn't feeling so nicey nicey and the sweet nurses started really annoying me. They were like "oh good, look! Amy isn't smiling anymore and she can barely stand during contractions!" Oh good? I'm dying and you say oh good? F U is all I have to say to that but, I surprised myself and Steven ALOT. I didn't swear or scream at him. I did scream later I guess but, at that point I didn't know what was happening.
Anyway, that comes later. First, after I couldn't walk anymore, I got in the shower and it was SO awesome. I felt so much better and I really didn't want anyone around me so it was perfect. Steven was just watching TV in the other room and he was thinking to himself "This isn't so bad at all." She's doing great which I was until they took me out of the friggin shower to check me and then all hell broke loose.
So, anyway, I'm in the shower and I've got a little routine down. I'm sitting during the short, way too short, unbelievably too short, time when I don't have contractions and standing and rocking back and forth when I do. It was working fine but, suddenly I found I was standing a lot more than sitting and when I was standing I was gripping harder and harder on the bars and oh god this is So awful. Steven had left to go get the camera or something like that and while he was gone, they decided to get me out of the shower and check me.
First the nurse puts her hand up my hoo hoo and says I'm about 4 inches and blah blah blah effaced. I don't really care. All I hear is 4 cm and I'm like how am I supposed to live through 6 more! This is only going to get worse, seriously, worse? I can't do it, I can't do it, OH god I need meds or something. I really can't do this. Oh god, oh god, oh god!!! Ahhh!!!! So, this is when I remember what Christina said "If you get out of control, it's bad, keep in control." and I'm like what the F? I didn't know what she was talking about then but, now I do. I'm totally freakin out and its hurting so bad and the doctor comes in and sticks her hand up my hoo hoo while I'm having a contraction and oh god, I'm dying, I'm seriously dying. Ok, Michelle stop reading now.
So, the doctor says, "ok, moving along nicely, you are at 3 cm. WhAAAAT! The nurse just said 4. don't take me back lady! Please don't take me back! Just lie to me, tell me I'm at 9cm. I can't see my hoo hoo! I'll believe you. But, now it's too late. The damage is done and remember what Christina said. Well, ladies and gents, I am TOTALLY out of control now. I can't even see straight. Where the hell is Steven? I'm like seriously running around the room like "I can't do this, I can't do this" and the nurses are trying to grab me and look in their eyes and concentrate or some dumb crap that doesn't work. The try and get me on the friggin ball and I'm like "screw you!" Well, I don't say it but, I'm surely thinking it and the nurse is grabbing me and saying "you ARE doing it, Amy, you are doing great! Look in my eyes and breathe" and I'm thinking "Lady, I don't know you, I don't want to look in your eyes and I certainly don't give a sh.. about breathing." Oh god, where is Steven, where is Steven? I must really love him because he was the ONLY person I wanted to see at the moment. He comes back and I'm running all over the room with the nurses running after me and he's like "What happened?" and I blurt out "I NEED the epidural!! I REALLY NEED it!" knock me out, give me drugs, I don't care what you have to do but, take me out of this misery! I SAID MICHELLE STOP reading this. You know she won't do it. I wouldn't either!
He's like "You can do it. You were doing great!" WERE being the important word here. "I DON"T CARE how I WAS doing!" I say "I NEED the epidural" Why won't anyone listen to me! Now, I'm crying and the nurses are telling me that I can do it and NO ONE could convince me that I could it was too late. I had gone to the bad place and I wasn't coming back until I got my epidural. SO, they say to me, "You can't have the waterbirth with an epidural" which I'm like "no Sh..why do you think I'm trying to do it without the epidural in the first place?" I thought you were supposed to be the nurse! So, I'm like I don't care, whatever I need to do or say to get the epidural, I'm doing it!
So, I have to switch rooms!
Ok, this is going to be a book by the time I'm done!
So, the mucus plug is out and my water or shall I say Niagra has starting coming out and honey it is definitely time.
So, the rest is kind of a blur after the beginning. The beginning wasn't so bad really. I walked around for a few hours and had some pretty bad cramps and then they turned worse and then it started feeling like a knife jabbing me in my uterus from the inside out and suddenly I wasn't feeling so nicey nicey and the sweet nurses started really annoying me. They were like "oh good, look! Amy isn't smiling anymore and she can barely stand during contractions!" Oh good? I'm dying and you say oh good? F U is all I have to say to that but, I surprised myself and Steven ALOT. I didn't swear or scream at him. I did scream later I guess but, at that point I didn't know what was happening.
Anyway, that comes later. First, after I couldn't walk anymore, I got in the shower and it was SO awesome. I felt so much better and I really didn't want anyone around me so it was perfect. Steven was just watching TV in the other room and he was thinking to himself "This isn't so bad at all." She's doing great which I was until they took me out of the friggin shower to check me and then all hell broke loose.
So, anyway, I'm in the shower and I've got a little routine down. I'm sitting during the short, way too short, unbelievably too short, time when I don't have contractions and standing and rocking back and forth when I do. It was working fine but, suddenly I found I was standing a lot more than sitting and when I was standing I was gripping harder and harder on the bars and oh god this is So awful. Steven had left to go get the camera or something like that and while he was gone, they decided to get me out of the shower and check me.
First the nurse puts her hand up my hoo hoo and says I'm about 4 inches and blah blah blah effaced. I don't really care. All I hear is 4 cm and I'm like how am I supposed to live through 6 more! This is only going to get worse, seriously, worse? I can't do it, I can't do it, OH god I need meds or something. I really can't do this. Oh god, oh god, oh god!!! Ahhh!!!! So, this is when I remember what Christina said "If you get out of control, it's bad, keep in control." and I'm like what the F? I didn't know what she was talking about then but, now I do. I'm totally freakin out and its hurting so bad and the doctor comes in and sticks her hand up my hoo hoo while I'm having a contraction and oh god, I'm dying, I'm seriously dying. Ok, Michelle stop reading now.
So, the doctor says, "ok, moving along nicely, you are at 3 cm. WhAAAAT! The nurse just said 4. don't take me back lady! Please don't take me back! Just lie to me, tell me I'm at 9cm. I can't see my hoo hoo! I'll believe you. But, now it's too late. The damage is done and remember what Christina said. Well, ladies and gents, I am TOTALLY out of control now. I can't even see straight. Where the hell is Steven? I'm like seriously running around the room like "I can't do this, I can't do this" and the nurses are trying to grab me and look in their eyes and concentrate or some dumb crap that doesn't work. The try and get me on the friggin ball and I'm like "screw you!" Well, I don't say it but, I'm surely thinking it and the nurse is grabbing me and saying "you ARE doing it, Amy, you are doing great! Look in my eyes and breathe" and I'm thinking "Lady, I don't know you, I don't want to look in your eyes and I certainly don't give a sh.. about breathing." Oh god, where is Steven, where is Steven? I must really love him because he was the ONLY person I wanted to see at the moment. He comes back and I'm running all over the room with the nurses running after me and he's like "What happened?" and I blurt out "I NEED the epidural!! I REALLY NEED it!" knock me out, give me drugs, I don't care what you have to do but, take me out of this misery! I SAID MICHELLE STOP reading this. You know she won't do it. I wouldn't either!
He's like "You can do it. You were doing great!" WERE being the important word here. "I DON"T CARE how I WAS doing!" I say "I NEED the epidural" Why won't anyone listen to me! Now, I'm crying and the nurses are telling me that I can do it and NO ONE could convince me that I could it was too late. I had gone to the bad place and I wasn't coming back until I got my epidural. SO, they say to me, "You can't have the waterbirth with an epidural" which I'm like "no Sh..why do you think I'm trying to do it without the epidural in the first place?" I thought you were supposed to be the nurse! So, I'm like I don't care, whatever I need to do or say to get the epidural, I'm doing it!
So, I have to switch rooms!
Ok, this is going to be a book by the time I'm done!
Friday, February 6, 2009
The Miracle of Birth, Part II
First before I begin the rest of my labor story, I want to say thank you to everyone for my response to my last blog. I have to say Irene the "oh it's just me pooping" really made me laugh so hard. I love having you guys to commiserate with me.
Ok, so by popular demand I have decided to continue with my Miracle of Birth story. I may hav e to keep doing additions now and then because there is just so much to cover!
Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, I was having Rosemary's baby. So, I was scared I was having Satan's Spawn but, at least it distracted me from my other fear, the pain, oh the pain!
So, on September 3 around 6am, I lay in bed not sleeping as usual because let's face it, how can you sleep when you are that huge? There is a reason god put whales in the water that is all I have to say.
So, 6am, I suddenly feel this warm water gushing from between my legs and I think "my god, I knew that you got bladder problems when pregnant but, this is ridiculous" then it hit me! Oh! Here it comes, here it really comes. I mean I know I was as huge as a house and felt the baby jabbing me in my ribs constantly but, I guess part of me thought that it wouldn't really happen, that I would just wake up and not be pregnant or something. So, the water keeps coming and coming and I'm like "holy crap, this is like niagra!"
I wake Steven up and tell him my water broke and he is surprisingly calm. I thought he would freak out but, he just looked at the bed and all the water and was like "Gross!"
So, I feel fine. No cramps, no nothing. Maybe I will be like one of those women who feel no pain I think to myself. Like those women working in the fields and having babies. Yahoo!
Well 1/2 hour later, I knew that I was most certainly NOT one of those women as cramps started hitting me!
So, we drive to the hospital and I call everyone to let them know I was in labor and I was acting excited but, really I am terrifed. Oh, I forgot one really important part. So, water is coming out of me like niagra and I'm like "how am I going to get to the hospital with all this water coming out so I grab like three towels and shove them in between my legs because well let's face it, three towels can't squeeze into your underwear unless they are those stretchy underwear they give you in the hospital which are like glad trashbags for underwear, they just keep stretching!" Anyway, I'll get back to that later, so I shove those towels in between my legs and am hobbling out the door, like I wasn't waddling enough already right?
I'm thinking to myself. How come they never show the women with big towels shoved in their crotches in the movies or anything.
So, we drive to the hospital and I'm literally shaking all over, I really scared and stuff but, I'm trying to remain calm.
We get to the hospital and I'm like, this is it, this is it! I expect them to wheel me in and get me to my room right away and I'm heaving and sweaty and stuff but, this is definitely not how it happens.
I walk, yes walk, what the hell can't I at least get the wheelchair and I'll fake the huffing and puffing stuff for attention. I like that!
Anyway, I walk or more like waddle up to the 2nd floor and I get to the front desk and they are like "yes?" and I'm like "hello, can't you see I'm important, having a baby here lady." But, they are just like "have a seat we'll get you checked in a moment" Like I can sit with all those towels in between my legs. So, we wait and it was pretty quick but, not anything like the movies.
I get into the room and the nurses aren't there yet. I'm like "what do I do?" Should I get on the bed and put my feet in the stirrups? Should I start my breathing? Well, I think, I might as well get these wet towels out of my crotch. So, I take them and Steven is like "throw them in the trash, yuck!" So, I do and I sit down and in comes the nurse and now I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable but, not like I can't smile and be polite and I think "this isn't so bad, I'm doing ok, I know it gets worse but, I'm ok" So, the nurse says "Are you sure your water broke" and I'm like "Umm..Does a bear ....?" You know how it goes. So she is like, where are the things you had in between your crotch? and no she doesn't say crotch but, it's more interesting that way. So, I say "I threw them out" and she's like "why would you do that?" I'm like "where else would gross water which is really pee go?" Anyway, she fishes them out of the trash and I can tell she's annoyed but, oh well, how was I supposed to know? She looks at the three wet towels and her eyes go big and she's like "wow, that is a lot of water and your mucus plug too!" Hey, I wanted to see what that looked like! But, oh well, I don't much care right now because I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. BUT, then I panic, I remember very definitely what that means. It's like the tub, you pull the plug and out it comes. OH GOD! I really have to do this!
Ok, gotta go, more later....
Ok, so by popular demand I have decided to continue with my Miracle of Birth story. I may hav e to keep doing additions now and then because there is just so much to cover!
Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, I was having Rosemary's baby. So, I was scared I was having Satan's Spawn but, at least it distracted me from my other fear, the pain, oh the pain!
So, on September 3 around 6am, I lay in bed not sleeping as usual because let's face it, how can you sleep when you are that huge? There is a reason god put whales in the water that is all I have to say.
So, 6am, I suddenly feel this warm water gushing from between my legs and I think "my god, I knew that you got bladder problems when pregnant but, this is ridiculous" then it hit me! Oh! Here it comes, here it really comes. I mean I know I was as huge as a house and felt the baby jabbing me in my ribs constantly but, I guess part of me thought that it wouldn't really happen, that I would just wake up and not be pregnant or something. So, the water keeps coming and coming and I'm like "holy crap, this is like niagra!"
I wake Steven up and tell him my water broke and he is surprisingly calm. I thought he would freak out but, he just looked at the bed and all the water and was like "Gross!"
So, I feel fine. No cramps, no nothing. Maybe I will be like one of those women who feel no pain I think to myself. Like those women working in the fields and having babies. Yahoo!
Well 1/2 hour later, I knew that I was most certainly NOT one of those women as cramps started hitting me!
So, we drive to the hospital and I call everyone to let them know I was in labor and I was acting excited but, really I am terrifed. Oh, I forgot one really important part. So, water is coming out of me like niagra and I'm like "how am I going to get to the hospital with all this water coming out so I grab like three towels and shove them in between my legs because well let's face it, three towels can't squeeze into your underwear unless they are those stretchy underwear they give you in the hospital which are like glad trashbags for underwear, they just keep stretching!" Anyway, I'll get back to that later, so I shove those towels in between my legs and am hobbling out the door, like I wasn't waddling enough already right?
I'm thinking to myself. How come they never show the women with big towels shoved in their crotches in the movies or anything.
So, we drive to the hospital and I'm literally shaking all over, I really scared and stuff but, I'm trying to remain calm.
We get to the hospital and I'm like, this is it, this is it! I expect them to wheel me in and get me to my room right away and I'm heaving and sweaty and stuff but, this is definitely not how it happens.
I walk, yes walk, what the hell can't I at least get the wheelchair and I'll fake the huffing and puffing stuff for attention. I like that!
Anyway, I walk or more like waddle up to the 2nd floor and I get to the front desk and they are like "yes?" and I'm like "hello, can't you see I'm important, having a baby here lady." But, they are just like "have a seat we'll get you checked in a moment" Like I can sit with all those towels in between my legs. So, we wait and it was pretty quick but, not anything like the movies.
I get into the room and the nurses aren't there yet. I'm like "what do I do?" Should I get on the bed and put my feet in the stirrups? Should I start my breathing? Well, I think, I might as well get these wet towels out of my crotch. So, I take them and Steven is like "throw them in the trash, yuck!" So, I do and I sit down and in comes the nurse and now I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable but, not like I can't smile and be polite and I think "this isn't so bad, I'm doing ok, I know it gets worse but, I'm ok" So, the nurse says "Are you sure your water broke" and I'm like "Umm..Does a bear ....?" You know how it goes. So she is like, where are the things you had in between your crotch? and no she doesn't say crotch but, it's more interesting that way. So, I say "I threw them out" and she's like "why would you do that?" I'm like "where else would gross water which is really pee go?" Anyway, she fishes them out of the trash and I can tell she's annoyed but, oh well, how was I supposed to know? She looks at the three wet towels and her eyes go big and she's like "wow, that is a lot of water and your mucus plug too!" Hey, I wanted to see what that looked like! But, oh well, I don't much care right now because I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. BUT, then I panic, I remember very definitely what that means. It's like the tub, you pull the plug and out it comes. OH GOD! I really have to do this!
Ok, gotta go, more later....
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I AM GRUMPY!
I am soo grumpy today. I think it doesn't help that the baby woke up every hour, seriously, last night and now I feel sick. I have a headache, sore throat and my body just aches. I'm really feeling sorry for myself and I told the programmer guys that sit around me and they were like "You'll be fine." NOT the response I was looking for. I wanted pure sympathy and cooing and stuff. What do I expect? They are programmers and men after all. I'm lucky they talk to me.
Then to top it off, I really hate hate hate Training Biatch! I shouldn't say that but, today I do. I want to take her and slam her against the wall and shake her (remember Spring Break Michelle?) That is what I want to do to her. I know, I know, how violent right? Well I don't care, I do!
SIDE NOTE: Spring Break from UNH I had it out with Michelle's friend, woops! She deserved it. She did! Even ask Michelle! Those girls were really nasty to us. It takes me a lot to get that PO'd. This is the funny part, Get this, after Spring Break I saw her boyfriend on campus and he gave me the finger when driving by in his jeep (OMG, I am totally laughing out loud thinking about it). The couple I'm referring to ended up getting married and she continued being Michelle's GF (still is) and we had to be in Michelle's wedding together!! Can you say, awkward? It was actually better than I thought thank god! Hmmm...I hope she doesn't read this blog. Oh well! Let bygones be bygones, right?
Anyway, that big fat biatch (she's actually really skinny but doesn't big fat biatch sound better)? She and her pals always play cards at lunch time now, remember my story about asking that HR biatch about pumping at work and how embarassing it was and all that? Well, training biatch works with her and training biatch specifically posted a schedule that I have the conference room from 11:30-12:00 every day, not embarassing or anything!
Well, there is a big conference room that they normally all play cards in and have lunch. Today it was taken up by a meeting. So, what does that big fat biatch do? She and her pals take the room and shut the door that I PUMP IN during the TIME that I PUMP. Plus, I had a class later on so I had to pump in the yucky bathroom and answer the questions from others wandering in "what is that noise?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Do you hear that?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Is someone in that stall?" "It's me pumping, sorry!"
I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!
She's going to die! I just have to think of a plan for that big selfish piece of crapola. Any suggestions? I'm thinking something with Ex-Lax or eye drops in her drink. Then, she can be stuck in the bathroom pooping herself! Mwaahahahahaha (that was supposed to be a dracula laugh in case you didn't know).
Ok, done venting. I really AM grumpy!
Have a good night everyone! :)
Then to top it off, I really hate hate hate Training Biatch! I shouldn't say that but, today I do. I want to take her and slam her against the wall and shake her (remember Spring Break Michelle?) That is what I want to do to her. I know, I know, how violent right? Well I don't care, I do!
SIDE NOTE: Spring Break from UNH I had it out with Michelle's friend, woops! She deserved it. She did! Even ask Michelle! Those girls were really nasty to us. It takes me a lot to get that PO'd. This is the funny part, Get this, after Spring Break I saw her boyfriend on campus and he gave me the finger when driving by in his jeep (OMG, I am totally laughing out loud thinking about it). The couple I'm referring to ended up getting married and she continued being Michelle's GF (still is) and we had to be in Michelle's wedding together!! Can you say, awkward? It was actually better than I thought thank god! Hmmm...I hope she doesn't read this blog. Oh well! Let bygones be bygones, right?
Anyway, that big fat biatch (she's actually really skinny but doesn't big fat biatch sound better)? She and her pals always play cards at lunch time now, remember my story about asking that HR biatch about pumping at work and how embarassing it was and all that? Well, training biatch works with her and training biatch specifically posted a schedule that I have the conference room from 11:30-12:00 every day, not embarassing or anything!
Well, there is a big conference room that they normally all play cards in and have lunch. Today it was taken up by a meeting. So, what does that big fat biatch do? She and her pals take the room and shut the door that I PUMP IN during the TIME that I PUMP. Plus, I had a class later on so I had to pump in the yucky bathroom and answer the questions from others wandering in "what is that noise?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Do you hear that?" "It's me pumping, sorry!" "Is someone in that stall?" "It's me pumping, sorry!"
I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!
She's going to die! I just have to think of a plan for that big selfish piece of crapola. Any suggestions? I'm thinking something with Ex-Lax or eye drops in her drink. Then, she can be stuck in the bathroom pooping herself! Mwaahahahahaha (that was supposed to be a dracula laugh in case you didn't know).
Ok, done venting. I really AM grumpy!
Have a good night everyone! :)
Friday, January 30, 2009
By God She's Got it! She's Really Got it!
I'm so excited. I have the proof!!! I've been wondering and nervous and questioning and today I know I've got it, I've really got it!
What do I have you ask? I have the most wonderful, crazy, beautiful, sometimes irrational thing ever!
GUYS, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHOCKED WHEN I TELL YOU THIS!
I TOTALLY HAVE IT, YES ME, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, I HAVE..................................................................................................................................................................................
Motherly Instinct! I really do! I'm so happy!
I just called Steven and little Stevie was happily babbling and screaming in the background and hearing him made me ache to hold him in my arms and kiss him all over his cheeks and neck and smell him and see his gummy smile. I almost felt sick, literally sick, my heart totally hurt, even writing this is kind of making me feel like crying, isn't that awesome?
I can't wait to go home and you know what else? I just realized, I'm totally a mother now! I'm like motherly and loving and kissy and stuff. I just can't get enough of him sometimes not all the time, but sometimes! I know so queer but, I'm happy and who cares right?
Shlanks, this is what you have to look forward to!
What a great day!
What do I have you ask? I have the most wonderful, crazy, beautiful, sometimes irrational thing ever!
GUYS, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHOCKED WHEN I TELL YOU THIS!
I TOTALLY HAVE IT, YES ME, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, I HAVE..................................................................................................................................................................................
Motherly Instinct! I really do! I'm so happy!
I just called Steven and little Stevie was happily babbling and screaming in the background and hearing him made me ache to hold him in my arms and kiss him all over his cheeks and neck and smell him and see his gummy smile. I almost felt sick, literally sick, my heart totally hurt, even writing this is kind of making me feel like crying, isn't that awesome?
I can't wait to go home and you know what else? I just realized, I'm totally a mother now! I'm like motherly and loving and kissy and stuff. I just can't get enough of him sometimes not all the time, but sometimes! I know so queer but, I'm happy and who cares right?
Shlanks, this is what you have to look forward to!
What a great day!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
If Only I was a Lesbian!
Ok, I know Mimi, I have to finish my birthing story and I keep getting distracted. You have to keep on me. I know it's going to be so long because well I'm so long-winded and I keep putting it off and well, I'm putting it off AGAIN!
I promise I'll get back to it.
The other night Steven had his friends over for poker and Christina didn't have the girls for the night becuase they were sleeping over their cousins house and so she came along too with Matt.
So, we decided to party hardy. I bought lots of wine (of course) and lots of food (of course) and was ready to be bad with my big sis. Well, it's so sad ladies and gents but, I just don't have it like I used to. I used to be able to party like a rock star and drink with the best of them but, now three glasses of wine and I've got a buzz on but, for some reason I keep thinking I can party like I used to and then I have too much and no I don't get totally smashed, I just fall asleep! How boring am I?
Anyway, so it's about 6pm and I'm getting ready for everyone to come over and I pour myself a glass of wine to get in the mood and my sister comes and then the drinking really starts because she can drink A LOT! So, I have four glasses of wine and Little Stevie has fallen asleep and I decide that I'm going to put him to bed and then party like a rock star. Woo hoo!
I think you can see where this is going..YES, I fall asleep and I only wake up at midnight because Steven was shaking me in his drunkin state and handing me a sausage sub in bed. YES, in bed, GROSS! So, what do I do? Why, I eat it of course and it's disgusting. I didn't think you could screw up Sausage subs but, you can, honestly you really can.
So, I fall asleep after eating the gross sub and I wake up again and it's 1am and the baby is up. I realize I left his milk downstairs and I can't see because my eyes are all dried up from my contacts being stuck on my eyeball because I fell asleep with them in and I'm trying to pry them from my eye and it's like a suction cup. Don't you hate that? Anyway, I finally wake up and able to look around and I realize Steven isn't in bed yet. Is he still up? WOW! They are partying crazy like. Wait a minute? Steven isn't in bed with me but, someone else is. Who is that lump in my bed? Oh, it's my sister, Christina. SMART GIRL! She got into bed with me before Steven did. hehehe.
Anyway, I go downstairs and all the lights in the house are on and the TV and radio are blaring. Cards and beers are all over the table and sausauge subs are hanging all over the stove! Remember that movie, "Sixteen Candles" when the pizza is going around the record player as if it were the record? That's what my house looked like! JEEZUS!
It looks like they were playing cards and drinking and eating and then just passed out or something and well, that is exactly what happened! I look in the living room and Steven and Matt are passed out on the pull out couch with no blankets, fully clothed. Jeremy is passed out on the chair, no blankets. They are snoring away like crazy all in different order and it's so loud. I turn everything off and leave everything else including Steven where it is.
So, I get the milk and proceed back upstairs and I realize the baby hasn't started crying while I'm doing all this. What the heck? I go back upstairs and there is my sister, sleeping and giving the baby a pacifier. So, I take his pacy out and give him a bottle and fall back asleep.
Ok, 3am, baby wakes up again. This time Christina has him in her arms before me and is rocking him back to sleep. This is friggin great! What help! So, I go to get his bottle ready when suddenly I notice there is a loud snoring noise coming from the hall. What the hell? So, I feed the baby and then go out to the hall to check out what is going on. Somewhere between 1am and 3am Steven got up and then passed out on the floor in the upstairs hallway. I'm not quite sure what happened there but, again I leave him where he is.
5am, baby wakes up again. This time I make it first before Christina and start givig him a bottle. However a few seconds later, I look over and Christina is asleep with a fake bottle in her hand, feeding the baby. She was literally in the same position I was! It was hilarious. Steven is still sleeping on the floor and yes I still leave him there.
7am, baby wakes up for morning. I wake up and bring him downstairs so as not to wake Christina. Yes, Steven is still sleeping in the hall and I try to crawl over him to get downstairs with the baby which I manage, barely.
Now, I have to pump bad. You know how it feels. Like rocks in my boobs. So, I put the baby down in his activity gym and go to pump. Wait a minute! Something is wrong here! My pump isn't working. Oh no! The guys passed out and left the dogs downstairs with free rein to the house and they ate a critical part to my breast pump, the tiny white valve. It won't work without it! AHH!! Seriously people!
So, anyway that is another story but, let's just say. Why the hell do they not sell breast pump parts in the store AND why do you have to order them from the manufacturer directly AND why don't they make a nice cheaper pump to buy in the meantime? Can you say "manually pumping sucks big donkey balls??"
Ok, back to my story. So, Steven wakes up in the morning and I ask him what the heck was he doing sleeping in the hall and he says Matt woke him up and kicked him out because he was rubbing his back in his sleep. SO FRIGGIN FUNNY! and when he got up he started puking so he decided that sleeping on the hall was closer to the bathroom and I'm thinking, five steps more to the bed was too much? Ok, whatever!
My sister wakes up and I say to her, "Thank you so much for all your help last night!" It was awesome and she turns to me and says "what help?" I explain what she did and she say "I don't even remember doing it. It must be innate from having the girls or something." and I think to myself, oh why oh why couldn't I have been a lesbian?
I promise I'll get back to it.
The other night Steven had his friends over for poker and Christina didn't have the girls for the night becuase they were sleeping over their cousins house and so she came along too with Matt.
So, we decided to party hardy. I bought lots of wine (of course) and lots of food (of course) and was ready to be bad with my big sis. Well, it's so sad ladies and gents but, I just don't have it like I used to. I used to be able to party like a rock star and drink with the best of them but, now three glasses of wine and I've got a buzz on but, for some reason I keep thinking I can party like I used to and then I have too much and no I don't get totally smashed, I just fall asleep! How boring am I?
Anyway, so it's about 6pm and I'm getting ready for everyone to come over and I pour myself a glass of wine to get in the mood and my sister comes and then the drinking really starts because she can drink A LOT! So, I have four glasses of wine and Little Stevie has fallen asleep and I decide that I'm going to put him to bed and then party like a rock star. Woo hoo!
I think you can see where this is going..YES, I fall asleep and I only wake up at midnight because Steven was shaking me in his drunkin state and handing me a sausage sub in bed. YES, in bed, GROSS! So, what do I do? Why, I eat it of course and it's disgusting. I didn't think you could screw up Sausage subs but, you can, honestly you really can.
So, I fall asleep after eating the gross sub and I wake up again and it's 1am and the baby is up. I realize I left his milk downstairs and I can't see because my eyes are all dried up from my contacts being stuck on my eyeball because I fell asleep with them in and I'm trying to pry them from my eye and it's like a suction cup. Don't you hate that? Anyway, I finally wake up and able to look around and I realize Steven isn't in bed yet. Is he still up? WOW! They are partying crazy like. Wait a minute? Steven isn't in bed with me but, someone else is. Who is that lump in my bed? Oh, it's my sister, Christina. SMART GIRL! She got into bed with me before Steven did. hehehe.
Anyway, I go downstairs and all the lights in the house are on and the TV and radio are blaring. Cards and beers are all over the table and sausauge subs are hanging all over the stove! Remember that movie, "Sixteen Candles" when the pizza is going around the record player as if it were the record? That's what my house looked like! JEEZUS!
It looks like they were playing cards and drinking and eating and then just passed out or something and well, that is exactly what happened! I look in the living room and Steven and Matt are passed out on the pull out couch with no blankets, fully clothed. Jeremy is passed out on the chair, no blankets. They are snoring away like crazy all in different order and it's so loud. I turn everything off and leave everything else including Steven where it is.
So, I get the milk and proceed back upstairs and I realize the baby hasn't started crying while I'm doing all this. What the heck? I go back upstairs and there is my sister, sleeping and giving the baby a pacifier. So, I take his pacy out and give him a bottle and fall back asleep.
Ok, 3am, baby wakes up again. This time Christina has him in her arms before me and is rocking him back to sleep. This is friggin great! What help! So, I go to get his bottle ready when suddenly I notice there is a loud snoring noise coming from the hall. What the hell? So, I feed the baby and then go out to the hall to check out what is going on. Somewhere between 1am and 3am Steven got up and then passed out on the floor in the upstairs hallway. I'm not quite sure what happened there but, again I leave him where he is.
5am, baby wakes up again. This time I make it first before Christina and start givig him a bottle. However a few seconds later, I look over and Christina is asleep with a fake bottle in her hand, feeding the baby. She was literally in the same position I was! It was hilarious. Steven is still sleeping on the floor and yes I still leave him there.
7am, baby wakes up for morning. I wake up and bring him downstairs so as not to wake Christina. Yes, Steven is still sleeping in the hall and I try to crawl over him to get downstairs with the baby which I manage, barely.
Now, I have to pump bad. You know how it feels. Like rocks in my boobs. So, I put the baby down in his activity gym and go to pump. Wait a minute! Something is wrong here! My pump isn't working. Oh no! The guys passed out and left the dogs downstairs with free rein to the house and they ate a critical part to my breast pump, the tiny white valve. It won't work without it! AHH!! Seriously people!
So, anyway that is another story but, let's just say. Why the hell do they not sell breast pump parts in the store AND why do you have to order them from the manufacturer directly AND why don't they make a nice cheaper pump to buy in the meantime? Can you say "manually pumping sucks big donkey balls??"
Ok, back to my story. So, Steven wakes up in the morning and I ask him what the heck was he doing sleeping in the hall and he says Matt woke him up and kicked him out because he was rubbing his back in his sleep. SO FRIGGIN FUNNY! and when he got up he started puking so he decided that sleeping on the hall was closer to the bathroom and I'm thinking, five steps more to the bed was too much? Ok, whatever!
My sister wakes up and I say to her, "Thank you so much for all your help last night!" It was awesome and she turns to me and says "what help?" I explain what she did and she say "I don't even remember doing it. It must be innate from having the girls or something." and I think to myself, oh why oh why couldn't I have been a lesbian?
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